Tango With Death
by Lady Souffrance
Summary: Yuki/Kyo slash. Kyo has always blamed Yuki for all of his misfortune. However, he finds that he is no longer able to stick the rat with the blame. As a new part of the Cat's curse comes to light, how will Kyo deal with the consequences?
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, this is merely a fanfiction for which I make no money.**_

_**This is the first time I've posted anything for this fandom. But I've been writing fanfiction for 7 years now. I've decided that Fruits Basket fanfiction (Yuki/Kyo specifically) needs more contribution. Thus: Tango With Death.**_

_**Chapter 1**_

_Kyo_

"Oy, Yu- err… Rat!" I called. Yuki looked up. He was giving me that _look_ again. It was weird. Like a cross between annoyance and something else. "You're gonna be late."

Yuki stood and stretched. He'd been putting the finishing touches on a homework assignment or something and wasn't looking at the time.

"How is Miss. Honda?" Yuki asked.

I shrugged. "Can't talk; that idiot worried herself into laryngitis."

"I'm surprised you even _know_ that word."

I shook my head and toed on my shoes. Yuki followed me out the door and to the path leading to school. I glanced over my shoulder at him.

"You're not going to argue with me?" he asked.

I shrugged again. Truth was I'd been avoiding him all week. Something was bugging me. I didn't feel like yelling at him. I didn't even get mad when he called me stupid anymore. I remembered the minute I stopped fighting him. We were arguing about something stupid and I told him that something was his fault. He got real mad and yelled, "Stop blaming me all the time! It's not my fault!"

But instead of getting mad or trying to hit him, I just stopped breathing for a second. The way he said "it's not my fault" reminded me of when I used to yell that over and over again; trying to make myself believe it. It was like by saying it wasn't his fault, he took away my escape. I felt bad for blaming him, stupid as it was. I couldn't blame him for any of it so the blame fell back on _my_ shoulders.

_No, don't think about it. It'll crush you again,_ I thought. Even so, the heavy weight slammed into my chest and I tripped over my own feet out of shock. I caught myself before I fell and growled angrily when I heard Yuki snicker. "Shuddup," I muttered. It was ridiculous. I couldn't even yell. I kept hearing him yelling that it wasn't his fault and to stop blaming him. I gnawed on the inside of my mouth until I tasted blood and ground my teeth until I saw the entrance to the school.

Uotani and the wave girl met me at the front gates and started interrogating me about Tohru. "I'm not her damn keeper!" I yelled. "She's fine, just has a sore throat. Leave me alone."

"Poor, poor Tohru," said Hana. "I should come over to attend to her waves…"

"Damnit, don't come over. Let her rest!" I shouted.

"Hey!" Uotani yelled. "Don't yell at a lady."

"You're no lady!" I objected.

Uotani got that dark look she always got when she was about to kick me or something. She punched me on the shoulder and looked past me at Yuki. "Hey, prince!" she greeted him with a salute. "How's it going?"

"Why didn't you yell at _him?_" I yelled.

Uotani shrugged. "You're more fun to scream at. The Prince wouldn't freak out like you."

"I'm well, thank you," Yuki replied. "And how are you Uo-san?"

The Yankee grinned. "Same as always; can't complain." She looked over at me. "'Cept about Kyon."

"Damnit, I thought I told you to quit calling me that!" I yelled.

Uotani ruffled my hair and turned to the door to our homeroom. I followed her in, grumbling the whole way.

As soon as I sat at my desk, Mayuko-sensei slammed a textbook right by my left hand. I jumped. "Damnit!" I yelled. "Is _everyone_ gonna give me a hard time today?"

"Your last book report was terrible, Sohma," she started. "I want you to pick a new book and do another."

I muttered about witches teaching literature and Sensei turned around to give announcements.

I let my mind drift to other things. Once Mayu-sensei was done yapping, I glanced around the room and saw people taking out their notebooks to copy the board. I was about to do the same when my eyes fell on Yuki, who sat diagonally from me. I felt an odd gnawing in my stomach and turned away quickly, wondering if I was sick. I shook my head to clear the feeling and focused on copying down the words written on the board. None of what I wrote sunk in as I copied it and had barely finished the last word when the bell for gym rang. My stomach gave an unpleasant lurch when I remembered we were playing tennis and Yuki was my doubles partner. Tennis was the one sport I wasn't good at. Surprising as that was, considering I'm great at martial arts, something about using a racket to hit a ball was ridiculous. I was fine at badminton but tennis was another story.

We started stretching as soon as we finished changing into our gym uniforms. It was a little cold and I bristled when the air hit my skin. I heard a cough from behind me and turned. Yuki was covering his mouth with his hand and I had a fleeting worry that the cold air would mess with his asthma. I shook the worry away. It made me angry that I couldn't control my emotions regarding Yuki.

I didn't even call him "Rat" in my head anymore.

I sighed and stood up across from our opponents. Yuki strode forward, managing to look elegant even though he was just _walking_ and took the position at the front. On the teacher's piercing whistle, the guy on the opposing team served the ball which Yuki volleyed back. This went on for about a minute until one of the guys on the other team hit the ball into the net.

The guy in front tossed me the ball and I cursed under my breath when I realized I had to serve. I glanced at the back of Yuki's head and tried to remember how to serve the ball. Surprisingly, I managed to get it over the net, unfortunately, one of the guys on the other team hit the ball in my direction and I missed completely, getting hit in the stomach. I let out a grunt of pain and lobbed the ball back to their server. He served it back and it headed for me again. Determined not to get hit again, I smashed the ball with the racket and sent it flying to the other side. It landed out of bounds.

I cursed under my breath and looked up as the other team served the ball. "Fifteen-love!" he shouted as he hit the ball back on our side. It headed toward me and I missed again, letting the ball bounce behind me.

Yuki looked over his shoulder and shot me a disparaging look. I sighed. "Damnit," I muttered. "I hate tennis."

Yuki sighed and faced forward. I tossed the ball over to the other side of the net and cursed as it flew past me. I didn't even swing at it this time.

I was really losing patience with this game.

"Sohma!" the gym teacher yelled. "Get your head in the game!"

I muttered random curses under my breath and watched as Yuki and the other team volleyed the ball back and forth. Yuki made a big show of covering my ineptness so I got frustrated and started to try to play. I managed to hit the ball once without doing anything wrong but the next time it came, I crashed right into Yuki.

We both fell on our asses because neither expected the other to be there.

"Stupid cat," Yuki hissed at me. "You're in _my_ space."

"This game is stupid!" I snapped. "I hate it."

"You just hate things you're not good at. Honestly, if we lose this game it'll be your fault."

I sputtered incoherently for a moment. Yuki had said the words "your fault" and I felt like a hand had clutched my heart and was squeezing it for all it was worth. I felt a wave of crushing anxiety and nausea wash over me and I knew I was going to puke. I ran off toward the nearest garbage can and heaved for a moment before spilling my breakfast into the can.

_Yuki_

I was too shocked to stand for a few seconds after Kyo bolted. When I finally managed to get my bearings, I turned in the direction Kyo had run and saw him gagging over a trash can. I didn't understand why he was throwing up. He didn't seem ill. Then again, he hadn't quite been behaving normally lately. He wouldn't pick fights with me and ignored my obvious instigation. It was getting on my nerves.

Before I knew what I was doing, I was sprinting over to the garbage can. Kyo had finished emptying his stomach and was kneeling on the cement, holding his head in one hand and bracing himself against the ground with the other. The teacher came over and clucked his tongue.

"You shouldn't be in school if you're sick," he said.

"I'm not _sick_," Kyo snapped. Although, it was clear by the gray-ish pallor to his face and sweating forehead that he was far from well.

"Take your cousin to the nurse," the teacher told me.

Kyo stood up and headed for the building, ignoring me when I followed. He was shaking visibly and was still breathing quite heavily.

"What's the _matter_ with you?" I asked.

Kyo clenched his fists and resolutely ignored my question. I walked beside him in silence, ignoring the way he kept glancing at me and wrinkling his nose in dislike. At least he was still himself enough to give me dirty looks. For some strange reason, that served to calm me.

Kyo swayed a bit as we entered the nurse's office. The nurse gave Kyo a quick up and down look and pointed at a cot. Kyo stared at the floor for a moment and I thought he was going to refuse. Thankfully, he sank down to the cot and allowed the nurse to examine him.

"What's the matter, Sohma?" she asked.

Kyo just grunted at her.

"He's sick," I explained. _The idiot,_ I added silently.

"I'm not sick, damnit!" Kyo shouted.

"Come off it, idiot. You just puked into the garbage can. Don't tell me you did that for kicks."

"What's… what does a… damn r-rat like you know?"

There was no malice in his voice and for a fleeting moment, I thought he had looked pain when he said the words "damn rat." He'd certainly stuttered.

I scoffed. "I know that healthy people don't empty their stomachs."

"Shut up," Kyo muttered.

"Lay down," said the nurse. "I'm going to call your guardian and have him pick you up."

"Shigure can't drive," I told her. "And we only live a short distance from school."

"Oh… I see," she said.

"He can walk."

"No," said the nurse. She looked over at him. "I'm not sure what's wrong but I don't want him walking alone."

"Shigure would be a bother," I explained.

"You should walk him home, then, Sohma-san," she said.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Come on, then, cat," I muttered.

The nurse smiled. "Is that his nickname for you, Sohma-san?" she asked Kyo.

Kyo just grunted and stood. He strode to the door and stalked out. I followed. "If you act like an idiot in public, it reflects poorly on me," I admonished him.

"Keh," Kyo grunted.

I waited for more but Kyo didn't seem to have the energy to retort. It was really boiling my blood that he was ignoring me and I didn't dare to venture a guess at why.

"You're such an idiot," I growled as we exited the building and headed for the tree-lined path.

Kyo sighed. "Yeah… whatever."

Now, I was angry. "What do you mean 'whatever?' Aren't you going to yell at me? Aren't you going to get mad and try and start a fight?"

"Why do you care?" Kyo shot over his shoulder. "It's not _your_ fault anyway."

"What does _that _mean?"

"Lemme alone, damnit."

Kyo picked up his pace and all but jogged back home. When I reached home, Kyo had already stalked up the stairs and Shigure immediately started badgering me with questions about why we were home.

"He got sick at school and the nurse sent him home," I explained. "She didn't want him walking by himself, so I was granted the great _honor_ of escorting him back."

"Oh dear," Shigure muttered placing his kimono sleeve over his nose and mouth. "The whole house is full of germs. How terribly gross."

"Well _I'm_ not sick," I snapped.

"Shoo!" Shigure shouted. "I'm not taking chances."

I shrugged and turned to go back to school. The house was insane and I had a student council meeting after school.

_Kyo_

I lay curled in a ball, clutching my throbbing head for what seemed like forever until the pounding ache was replaced with horrible images. A woman lying bloodied on the road. A woman lying partially dismembered by the train tracks. It was a good thing I'd emptied my stomach earlier so I didn't have anything to throw up. _"This is your fault!"_ Akito's voice screamed loudly in my head. He'd never said anything like that to me but it was an easy thing to imagine. _I know,_ I replied miserably. _It's my fault, not Yuki's. _

I whimpered as waves of horrible crushing anxiety flowed over me. I was feeling smashed by darkness and depression. I was having trouble breathing, too. I curled up tighter, trying to protect myself from the horrible mantra of _I hate myself_ running through my mind on endless repeat. It was stifling. I couldn't muster up the strength to straighten out. I just lay, hugging my knees to my chest and waited for the moment to pass.

When the horrible emotions finally subsided enough for me to think clearly, I realized I was hungry. I wondered down to the kitchen to see Tohru preparing some soup. Shigure had obviously told her I wasn't feeling well.

"You should be in bed," she squeaked.

"That's my line," I replied. "You still sound like you have a frog in your throat."

She waved her hand at me dismissively. "I'm fine, Kyo-kun," she rasped. "You should go back to bed."

I felt the color drain from my face. _Great, now I'm worrying Tohru again. _I always hated making her worry. It felt like a sin, or something. She was always taking care of other people and ignoring her own problems. That was why she was sick in the first place! Her Yankee friend was having a bad week and she spent it frantically trying to cheer her up. It was no wonder Uotani was in such a bad mood when she'd heard Tohru was sick.

I grumbled. "I'm not really sick," I muttered.

Tohru looked over at me. "Really?"

"Yeah…" I replied. "I just got…" I couldn't finish the sentence. I couldn't tell her that I got sick because of something Yuki said. She'd fret worse if I told her that. "I ate something funny for breakfast, I guess. I'm okay now."

"Oh no!" she panicked. "If I had made breakfast, you wouldn't have gotten ill. I'm so sorry! But, I'm making you soup now so maybe you'll feel better and I-"

"I'm alright, you doofus!" I gave her hair a playful ruffle. "I'm not sick. You should be in bed taking care of that sore throat."

Tohru turned back to the stove. "I'll be okay, Kyo-kun," she said, turning off the burner. She transferred the soup into two bowls. "That's why I made enough for both of us." She handed me a bowl and we brought our soup to the dining room to eat. Tohru munched on the soup happily and I sipped at it. The soup tasted oddly bland, but I knew it had to be delicious. No _way_ would Tohru make something that didn't taste fantastic.

We started an easy conversation and kept at it for a few minutes while we ate our soup. "Hey, when Yuki gives you his notes, will you let me copy them too?" I asked.

Tohru giggled.

"What?"

She smiled at me in a way that made me feel uncomfortably like she knew something I didn't. It was weird; she never gave me that impression before. "You called him 'Yuki,'" she said.

"So what?" I asked, bewildered. _What does _that_ have to do with anything?_

"I've never heard you say his name without adding something mean," she explained. She finished the last bit of soup and brought both our bowls to the kitchen.

I thought about what she'd said. It was true that I was calling Yuki by his name more than usual. And it was true that I wasn't calling him mean names anymore, but I didn't feel like explaining just why. Not when most of the reason was a mystery to me. I knew I was having a hard time being mean to someone I couldn't blame for anything, but that didn't explain why I couldn't still get mad at him. It was almost like someone had dumped a bucket of cold water on my fiery hatred of the rat. I sighed and helped Tohru wash the two bowls and spoons before we both retreated to our rooms. I lay down to appease Tohru and stared at the ceiling until the sound of Yuki returning home startled me. I hadn't thought I'd been lying there for so long. I felt my muscles tense when Yuki walked by my room toward his own.

_**What do you think? Comments? Criticism? Let me have it. I'm always looking to improve.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket. This is just fanfiction for which I make no money.**_

_**I forgot to mention this last chapter, but this story will be primarily from Yuki and Kyo's points of view with other characters thrown in now and then for plot purposes. Also, to clear something up, no one is going to actually die in this fic. There's going to be a lot of angst and such, but no deaths, okay?**_

_**Chapter 2**_

_**Yuki**_

I couldn't focus. The problem in front of me may as well have been written in Swahili for all I understood. Numbers swam before my eyes before my vision blurred and my eyes crossed. I pushed away from my desk, leaned back against my chair and closed my eyes tightly against the exhaustion.

_I shouldn't be so tired… _I thought, letting out a long, slow breath. I'd slept as well as I ever managed to the night before and had even gotten out of bed earlier than usual to work on an essay. My mind kept wandering to the red-head in the room down the hall. I felt tension collecting in my shoulders and angry thoughts swirled around in my mind.

It had never occurred to me that fighting with Kyo was such an affective stress relief until it was no longer an option. The whole ordeal was bothering me to no end. As days went by with Kyo ignoring me and not raising his voice or otherwise reacting to my attempts at provoking him, I became more and more agitated. The stress was taking its toll and not for the first time that week, I found myself pacing in my room, analyzing every moment of my interactions with Kyo. I hated that he wasn't paying attention me. I hated that I hated it. Most of all, I hated the crushing realization that the reason being ignored bothered me was that I was spoiled and liked attention.

Kyo had always said I was happy with the attention the fan club gave me. To be honest, at first I thought it was endearing. However, having people adore me for how I look and the façade I put up every day at school felt shallow and lacking in merit. Kyo, on the other hand, treated me with unapologetic _feeling_. He knew me well enough to hate me and he didn't censor how he felt. It was almost comforting to know that someone saw the real me and reacted to it without faltering. He was honest.

I sighed and let myself fall backward onto my bed. I recalled the day when Nii-san told me that he was truthfully happy when I yelled at him. He'd laughed and said "It's better than being ignored." I felt a sort of kinship with him at that moment. I knew how horrible being ignored and abandoned was. A shiver ran down my spine at the memory of my mother disregarding my pleas to be taken home. Now, Kyo was ignoring me and it felt worse than anything else. I didn't understand; I hated him so why was it so painful for him to brush me off?

If I was completely honest with myself, I missed him.

I was filthy. The self inside, under my mask and false nature was the true, disgusting me. I needed Kyo to remind me of just how rotten I was. I needed him to show me my place and tell me that I was filthy. I needed his constant insistence that I was everything I thought I was. I wanted Kyo to tear down my resolve. It was distressing not having him to knock me down. The honest and irrefutable truth was that I wanted him to hate me. It proved that I was right.

I'm filthy.

To be destroyed by someone I aspired to be was the greatest liberation I could know. I admired Kyo's spirit and I wanted to claim some part of it as my own but I couldn't. His abuse was a constant reminder that I would never be at his level. It was easier to hate him than to admit to myself how much I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be his friend. Even after all those years of resenting him for the way he'd reacted at our first meeting, I still wanted to tell him his hair was pretty and seek understanding by a fellow cursed Sohma.

_**Kyo**_

I was restless.

Everything was just so stupid! One minute, I was anxiously pacing my bedroom being angry at everything around me, the next; I was lying on my bed, completely frozen in pain. I was starting to think something was seriously wrong with me. Like I was sick or something.

And then the memories came back. The steady mantra of _it's all my fault_ was blasting through my mind as I remembered the pain I'd felt while looking at a bloodied and dying woman lying in the street. I curled in on myself, clutching my stomach and fighting back sobs. I'd really wanted to believe that it wasn't my fault. Even if believing it meant I had to blame Yuki for all of my problems, I had to believe something.

_Yuki_, why did my thoughts keep going back to Yuki? Why couldn't I get a break without thinking about him? It was better, I guess, than thinking about how fucked everything was. My heart couldn't handle so much blame and guilt. My brain was trying to save me by focusing on something else.

It was stupid, really, to think about Yuki. Him and his stupid fake smile; his annoying grace and perfect look; his flawless skin and beautiful eyes; they all pissed me off. And what pissed me off even _more_ was that when I thought about insulting him or trying to start a fight, I'd look into those beautiful _fucking eyes_ and I couldn't say it. I guess I should have been worried about how I kept thinking about how _beautiful_ he was but I was just so happy to be thinking about something other than how much I hated myself.

_I shouldn't have blamed him in the first place. It would have been better if I just let myself be destroyed by the whole thing._ I shook my head, pleading with the thoughts to leave me alone already. I buried my face in my hands and took several deep, calming breaths.

When I exited my room, I was weirdly relieved to see Yuki's back as he headed down the stairs. He was like a reminder that I was still alive and walking around, or something. I liked that he still acknowledged my existence even though I knew he was annoyed with how much I'd been brushing him off lately. _That's just stupid. He doesn't care one way or another. He's probably glad I'm not yelling at him and causing trouble._ The thought caused my heart to thud uncomfortably and I felt like my brain was starting to melt.

"You couldn't just FUCKING LET ME BLAME YOU!" I shouted before I could stop myself.

Yuki whipped around, halfway down the stairs. He stared at me, shocked, which was not what I'd been expecting.

"You should have let me! I'd be okay, I'd be _fine_! BUT I CAN'T EVEN BLAME YOU FOR GETTING MAD BECAUSE I DESERVE IT!" I collapsed onto the top step, shaking with anger and misery. "Because it really _is_ my fault. And it _sucks." _I buried my face in my hands, trying not to cry.

"Wh- what?" Yuki stammered. "What are you yelling about?"

"It's not your fault! It's not, I shouldn't have blamed you. It's my fault! It's all my fault…"

I glanced up and saw that Yuki was kneeling in front of me, looking puzzled. "What's your fault?" he asked.

I couldn't breathe properly. I couldn't even answer. I'd just exploded and Yuki had no idea why. It was stupid. I looked over Yuki's shoulder and saw Shigure and Tohru standing at the foot of the stairs looking completely stunned. I stood up and pushed past Yuki. As I stomped down the stairs and out the door, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the misery much longer. So I ran. I ran as fast as I could, trying to leave all the pain and guilt behind me.

I guess I should have known that it would follow.

It felt like years before I finally stopped running. I was out of breath and sweating head to foot. I couldn't think straight. My brain was a tornado of half-formed thoughts and images of blood. I even felt like I could taste it in the back of my throat. I looked ahead and saw a steep cliff over-looking a river. I walked over and stared down at the rushing water, the sudden breeze chilling my skin. It looked so… easy. I could fall by accident and just… die. I took a step closer.

"That's dangerous," a cold voice said from behind me. I jerked backward, losing my balance but Yuki grabbed me by the collar and dragged me back before I could fall over. "Don't be stupid," he hissed in my ear. My back was pressed firmly against his chest and I was too stunned to pull away.

A moment later, Yuki tossed me into a nearby tree. Instead of leaping back up, I let myself crumple to the dirt and stared at my knees. "I'm pretty pathetic…" I muttered, mostly to myself.

"Care to explain that little stunt? Were you really about to… jump?" Yuki whispered the last word.

"It's less dramatic than throwing myself in front of a train…" It was a stupid thing to say but there's no way Yuki would make the connection.

"It's just as cowardly. Whatever you're blaming yourself for is _not_ worth throwing yourself off a cliff. Don't. Be. Stupid."

"How do you know it's not worth it?"

"NOTHING IS WORTH MORE THAN YOUR LIFE!" Yuki screamed.

I looked up, shocked at the sheer volume. Yuki was not a person who screamed or yelled. Everything around us went silent, Yuki's words were ringing in my head and I felt sick. "Why do you even care? It's not your problem. You'd be better off if I was gone. Everyone would be because it's my fault."

It took me a moment to realize that Yuki was kneeling in front of me again. I stared at his shoes. I couldn't look him in the eye. I was so ashamed of the whole thing. It was one thing to even think of doing something so weak; it was salt on the wound to have Yuki see me thinking about it.

"I wasn't gonna jump," I said. I didn't know why I felt the need to tell that to Yuki.

Yuki grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked my head up so I'd have to look at him. I let out a yelp of surprise and pain. "Good," he snapped. He let go of my hair suddenly. I was struck by the intense look of… something in his eyes. It looked like recognition. He sighed. "Normally, I would allow you to be miserable. I suppose I don't hate you enough to want you dead."

My eyes widened in shock.

"I'm not heartless. No matter how much you claim that I have no heart, I assure you, I do. Whatever you blame yourself for is _not_ your fault. You haven't done anything horrible enough for that."

"You don't know that. HOW COULD YOU KNOW THAT?"

"I just know you wouldn't do anything worth dying over." Yuki stood up. "You're not heartless either. It's not your fault."

To my complete horror, my eyes brimmed with tears. Yuki looked down; the same surprised look he'd given me on the stairs was etched across his features. It would have been funny if I wasn't so embarrassed and crying my eyes out. _He doesn't blame me!_ The words _it's not your fault_ played over and over in my mind. For the first time ever, I felt like I'd really been forgiven. A glimmer of hope bloomed in my heart and I wondered if that meant I'd be okay.

_No,_ the absolution was crushed by the sudden wave of truth. _It's still my fault. He just doesn't know. _ I discarded the feeling of lightness in my chest and replaced it with the agony and unrelenting longing for forgiveness. The only people who could forgive me were dead. And I wanted to be too.

I stood up and stalked off back toward the house. It took a surprisingly short amount of time to get back. Maybe I'd run in circles. Or maybe I hadn't been running as long as I thought. Either way, I was disappointed that I didn't get the chance to think about what had happened. I'd needed that time to figure out what to say to Tohru and Shigure. As it was, when I walked up the porch steps, Yuki a few paces behind me, I could barely manage to give a half-assed explanation about being stressed out and needing to relax. Tohru took a little convincing, but after a while, she seemed to accept that I was okay. Shigure didn't believe a word of it. I could tell he wasn't fooled by the look he gave me before walking into his office. I heard him say "Hatori, I think it's started already," into his phone before he shut the door.

"Are you hungry, Kyo-kun?" asked Tohru. "I was about to get started on dinner."

My first instinct was to tell her I wasn't hungry, but I realized that it would probably worry her if I said it, so I nodded. "Yeah, I'm hungry."

Tohru smiled and glanced over her shoulder at Yuki. "Welcome back, Yuki-kun!" she greeted him.

I glanced back and saw Yuki give her a smile. "Thank you, Honda-san," he replied. "I have some studying to do; I'll see you at dinner."

Yuki walked past me without sparing a glance. He seemed almost determined to ignore me. That was fine. He was probably still freaked out by how I acted in the forest. "I gotta study too," I told Tohru. "I'll be down in a bit."

Tohru smiled. "Good luck with your studying!" She gave me a cute little wave and I headed up the stairs, trying to be energetic and look happy. When I got into my room and shut the door, I sank to the ground, leaning against my closed door and took a deep breath. I didn't think it would be so hard to pretend to be okay.

_**Yuki**_

Confusion was such a rare emotion for me. I didn't usually get the chance to experience it. I couldn't fathom for the life of me why I had reacted to Kyo's behavior and words the way I had. All I knew was when I saw him standing at the cliff and staring down at the water below, my heart had stopped. The thought of him falling to his death terrified me. When he didn't immediately deny that he'd been considering it, I panicked.

Yelling was even rarer than being confused. I rarely yelled at anyone besides Manabe-san. He was the only one who'd ever managed to get that much of a rise out of me. Aside from Kyo. Dark looks and low, threatening tones worked better on the stupid cat. At first, Manabe rubbed me entirely the wrong way. I began to have a seething hatred for him. Then he'd told me I was "a pretty interesting guy" and my view of him softened. I began to feel a sort of fondness for him and eventually started thinking that he was rather attractive.

The minor crush didn't last long. When I discovered he had a girlfriend, I pushed it aside and it disappeared entirely. I wasn't desperate for companionship. I certainly wouldn't lower myself to pining after a man who clearly wasn't like me in my tastes.

Even after such a long time of suspecting I might have been gay, I still couldn't bring myself to easily think the word. I struggled with it for a very long time and I had finally accepted it but I knew that many of my family members would be appalled by the very idea. I would never confide in Shigure about it. Perhaps I'd tell Ayame. But I wanted to tell Tohru before anyone else. I knew that she would accept it. She so readily accepted Haru's strange crush on me –I refused to believe he was still in love with me; he was in love with Rin, after all. Yes, Tohru would have no difficulty accepting it. I knew she didn't see me as a possible boyfriend; she clearly thought of Kyo that way.

I twirled my pencil between my fingertips. My thoughts had returned to Kyo in spite of my best efforts to think of other things. I smiled to myself thinking that Kyo was the very _last_ person I'd ever tell about my… difference. _Gay, Yuki, just think the word. It can't hurt you._ I sighed and leaned back in my chair. I was surprised when I didn't hear Kyo moving around on the roof. Usually when he was upset, that would be his hiding place. Kyo rarely stayed in his room for long. It nagged at me in the back of my mind. Not that I was worried about Kyo, it just bothered me when things changed.

I liked consistency.

_**Shigure**_

"Hatori," I said into the receiver. "I think it's started already."

"What do you think has started?" Hatori asked.

I was about to answer when I realized that I'd left the door open and closed it with a snap. "Kyo. I didn't think _that_ would start until New Years. If it started at all. I was hoping that since the Rat was a boy…"

Hatori paused. "I know that it has happened before. There have been instances of the Cat and Rat being of the same gender and the Cat never failed to fall in love with the Rat."

I sighed and rubbed my temples. "My precious house."

"I'm more worried about Kyo," said Hatori. "He seems unstable enough already."

"Yep. He's probably more messed up than anyone I know."

"I was referring to how his mother died."

I felt the color drain from my face.

"You're aware of how much such a thing raises the likelihood that he will die the same way?"

My heart constricted. "Kyo is too stubborn to go out like that."

"Are you sure? Maybe you should keep a close eye on him. I'm not sure how he'll handle the worst part of his curse."

"Yes, yes, I'll watch him." A thought suddenly occurred to me. "Does Kazuma-dono know about this?"

"I told him myself. He asked quite a lot of questions about his grandfather after he took Kyo in. He was determined to protect Kyo's emotions as much as he could."

I rubbed my head; the whole thing was giving me a headache. "I don't want to be the one to tell him it's started already."

"Why do you think it's started?"

"He shouted at Yuki earlier."

"That's not unusual."

"The things he was shouting were."

Hatori didn't speak for a while. "I have to attend to Akito," he said. "Make sure to look after him and call if something happens."

"Right," I agreed. "Good bye Haa-san."

The sound of the line going dead was the only response I received. _So stoic, but I suppose I should expect it._

_**Well, what do you guys think? Reviews would be nice. :D**  
_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket. This is just fanfiction for which I make no money.**_

_**Chapter 3**_

_**Kyo**_

School sucked even worse than usual. I still couldn't get the hang of tennis and Yuki refused to even look at me, let alone tell me what to do. I wondered if he was going to keep ignoring me

By lunch, I had a stomach ache and spent the whole hour on the roof, staring at the clouds. My stomach really hurt. It felt like it was twisted in knots and I was nauseous as hell. I could barely make myself stand when the warning bell rang and trudged off to class with my head down, dragging my feet.

I took my seat in Calculus just behind Yuki. Our stupid teachers always assigned seats alphabetically so I usually ended up one seat away from the damn rat. It was annoying to sit behind him because his head was right in front of me and it was hard not to look at him. I bristled every time he leaned backward and jumped when he breathed loudly or coughed. It was annoying. I had no idea what the teacher was talking about and copied the board without absorbing anything. I kept glancing at the clock, annoyed when the minutes ticked by like years.

I snapped my pen in half in agitation and the ink exploded everywhere. I stood up and yelled "Fuck!"

"Sohma!" Sensei scolded. "What on earth-?"

"My pen exploded," I said staring down at my hand and the back of Yuki's uniform, both of which were splattered with ink. Yuki touched his back and I winced when he looked at his hand and saw the blue stain.

"You two better go clean up," Sensei sighed.

I gathered stalked out the door, ignoring when Yuki followed. I stormed into the bathroom and scrubbed angrily at my hands under the spray of water. I jumped when I saw Yuki's reflection in the mirror, he was unbuttoning his shirt and I couldn't help but stare as he pushed it off his slender shoulders, revealing his toned biceps and pecs. I tore my eyes away and added more soap to my soiled hands.

Yuki stepped up to the sink next to me and dabbed his shirt with soap before running it under hot water and scrubbing at the stain.

"Stupid pen," I muttered.

"You're the one who broke it."

I winced. I was having a harder time than usual taking his distain. What he'd said wasn't even mean; it cut at me anyway.

I grabbed some paper towel and scrubbed my hands dry. They were clean, thankfully but Yuki was still having trouble getting the ink out of his shirt. I shrugged out of mine and handed it to him. I always wore a black shirt under it and Yuki was so _perfect; _heaven forbid he walk around with ink on his shirt.

He stared at the shirt for a minute before taking it. I averted my eyes so I wouldn't stare at his naked chest. "Thank you," he muttered.

I shrugged and headed for the door. "It's my fault your shirt got wrecked," I said, leaving the bathroom.

_**Yuki**_

I stared at the door for several moments before I managed to gather my thoughts and button Kyo's shirt. It was loose on me but not absurdly so. It struck me that Kyo was bigger than me and I felt my neck get warm. I gnawed on my lower lip and exited the bathroom, following Kyo's route back to the classroom. It was almost the end of the period. I quickly copied down the homework, and finished the last word as the bell rang. Kyo had left the room before I stood up and I walked to my last class of the day.

Thankfully, I didn't have History with Kyo. I wouldn't have the strange urge to look back at him the way I did in Math. However, I realized with a start that the Kyo's shirt smelled strongly of him. I wondered, belatedly, if anyone around me would notice how I smelled. It struck me that Kyo smelled very nice. He had a spicy aroma that reminded me of Autumn, but a warm undertone that made me think of sunshine. I shook my head and focused forcibly on what the teacher was saying. I managed to pay attention for the rest of class, my mind only wandering fleetingly before the end of school.

I walked down the hallway to the student council room and saw that Kakeru and Nao were the only two in the room. "Machi's playing hooky," said Kakeru. "And I guess Kimi's sick or something."

I nodded. "I suppose we'll have to make do without our treasurer and second secretary."

"Such slacking!" Nao mumbled. "Now I have to pick up for Kimi as well as doing my own work." He ground his teeth and started scribbling furiously in his notebook.

I sighed.

"Something wrong, fearless leader?" Manabe asked.

"No," I replied. I began the meeting and we managed to get quite a bit of work done. Without Kimi to egg Kakeru on, he seemed slightly less keyed up, although he made a few strange comments that I didn't care to ponder much.

"Alright!" Manabe shouted once we'd finished our business for the day. "Now I can go home and sleep."

"One more thing," I said. "Would you mind calling Machi and Kimi to fill them in?"

"Why don't _you_ call Machi? Don't you have the hots for her or something?"

"Of course not," I said a little more forcefully than I probably should have.

Manabe squinted at me. "She's not your type?" He asked. "Bye, Chibi-suke!" He called but Nao had already walked out. "What's wrong with Machi?" he asked. "She's not good looking enough?"

"Th-that's not…" I muttered. "She's… she's pretty."

"Then what?"

"I…"

"Oh, _I_ get it! I understand completely."

I stared at him, wondering what ridiculous thing he was about to spout off next.

"It's so _obvious_. You must not like girls, eh?"

I gaped at him. "Don't be ridicu-"

"It's okay." Manabe suddenly looked serious. "If you're gay, I mean." He smiled. "It's not like I'd be freaked out by something so silly."

I tried to deny it but I couldn't get my mouth to work.

"I mean, jeez. It's not like you're really a _girl_ or anything… Unless you are."

I rolled my eyes at his stupidity. "I'm not a woman."

Manabe laughed. "Of course not! You'd be straight if you were!"

"Thank you," I muttered.

"Don't sweat it, man." Manabe flashed me one of his genuine smiles, the one that made me feel elated and like crying at the same time.

_Having him around is good for me, I think…_

_**Kyo**_

I jogged the whole way to the dojo and ducked around Kagura before she could hug me. "You're so mean, Kyo!" she shouted. She threw her arms around my neck from behind before I could finish taking my shoes off. "I missed you so much!"

"You saw me two days ago!" I protested, trying to throw her off.

"_Three days a week isn't enough_." Her dark tone freaked me out but Shishou started lecturing her about discipline and letting me take my shoes off and I gave him a grateful wince.

I walked into the dojo and began my stretches. I usually trained by myself but Shishou wanted me to help him demonstrate some techniques for his class.

"This is a basic blocking stance," he was telling the students. "Keep your feet shoulder-width apart, one slightly back. Make sure your knees are bent and low block when the opponent kicks."

I did a crescent kick which Shishou blocked.

"Alright," said Shishou. "Now, I'm going to demonstrate a simple self-defense technique. Kyo, aim a right hook at my head."

I did as he asked and he blocked my arm with both hands. "Now I'm going to grab his wrist and press down on the back of his hand. This is a kido move." Shishou demonstrated and the slight pressure he used on my hand had me nearly falling to the ground. "This is a good way to avoid hurting someone too much and it takes very little effort."

"Ow, ow, ow!" I protested. "Let go!" Shishou released me and I rubbed my hand, glaring at him.

"Now, I want you to pair off and practice."

When the students were practicing the wrist-lock, Shishou turned to me and smiled. "I know you dislike demonstrating self-defense. I appreciate the effort."

I shrugged. "It's important for Karate," I replied. "These guys need to learn it."

"How are things at Shigure's?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Same as always, I guess."

"How are things between you and Yuki?"

I paused a moment too long. "Same." Shishou didn't believe me. I could tell. He read my hesitation but didn't bother to mention it.

"If you need to talk, I hope you'll come to me."

"I will," I said. "I gotta go. Do you need me for anything else?"

"No," said Shishou. "That's all."

I headed for the door. "Bye, Shishou," I called over my shoulder. I hopped down from the deck and ignored the twinge of pain in my knee. I'd landed with my leg straight and jammed my knee. In spite of the pain, I jogged home and headed straight for the shower.

I was lying on the roof after dinner, watching the stars blinking into view. It was getting dark sooner and sooner every day. Pretty soon, it'd be pitch dark at five in the afternoon. The stars were pretty, burning against the velvety darkness.

I sighed. I was so tired. I decided to go to bed early and headed for my bedroom.

Again, that horrible gnawing ache in my stomach came back and I had to lie down because I was afraid I'd throw up. I squeezed my eyes shut, whimpering at the pain. It was starting to really bug me. I had a nagging feeling that something was really wrong. I didn't get why I was always having stomach aches and feeling all anxious. It was stupid. I hated being sick.

I knew I was going to puke. It was a horrible paralyzing feeling. I managed to sprint to the bathroom just in time to empty my stomach. My gut hurt even worse when I puked and I felt like my head was going to explode. I wiped my mouth when I was done and caught sight of blood in the toilet. I was shocked for a minute. It looked like a lot of blood. The back of my hand had blood on it too. I felt too weak to stand so I called out to Shigure.

He came running. I guess he wasn't used to hearing me shout his name. He slammed the door open, took one look at me and said, "I'm calling Hatori."

"Don't leave!" I shouted. I hadn't even meant to freak out so bad but I didn't want him to leave me by myself. I felt so pathetic and weak.

"I have to call Hatori, Kyo. You vomited blood."

I clutched my stomach. "Okay…" I muttered. "Okay."

Shigure gave me one last look before walking out. I flushed the toilet and rested my head backwards against the wall.

Yuki appeared in the doorway. "What's going on?" he asked.

"I guess my stomach is bleeding," I muttered.

"You… you're bleeding?"

I looked up at him. He looked scared. I shrugged.

"R-Rin has that too sometimes," he said. It seemed like he was having trouble thinking of things to say. He shifted uncomfortably. "Is Shigure calling Hatori?"

I nodded and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of the cold tile wall on my head. It was nice and I felt sleepy.

"Are you okay?"

I ignored him. I felt weak and tired. I drifted off to sleep.

I'd been asleep for at least a couple hours when I felt a cool hand press against my forehead. I moaned in annoyance and tried to shove it aside but I was having trouble making my body cooperate. It felt like my head was full of fluff and my body was filled with lead weights. "Wassa…?" I stammered. I dragged open my eyes and blinked. There was a bright florescent light right above me and the sheets under my back felt scratchy. When my vision cleared, Hatori came into focus. "Wh-why am I so _tired?_" I groaned.

"You've been sedated," Hatori replied. He pressed his stethoscope to my chest. I pushed him off.

"Why?"

Hatori gave me his famous 'impassive' look. "You were delirious and screaming when we brought you here. You had a fever of 104. I was surprised you didn't transform."

I felt myself drifting off again. "Screaming?" I muttered, trying to keep my eyes open. "Wh…" I didn't to finish my question because I fell asleep shortly after.

_**Yuki**_

It was terrible. I kept replaying the scene over and over in my mind. Shigure waved off several nurses who kept offering me fresh ice-packs and pain killers. My cheek was still throbbing slightly from where Kyo had struck me in his feverish fit. He'd been yelling incoherently and managed to kick me in the face when I was trying to help Shigure restrain him. Hatori eventually had to give him a shot when I couldn't hold him anymore. I had a stitch in my lip, the beginnings of a nasty bruise and black eye and my head was throbbing in time with my swollen cheek.

"This was unnecessary," I muttered to Shigure, referring to the fact that I was sitting in an emergency room.

Shigure flapped his hand dismissively. "You know Haa-san; always overreacting."

I ignored Shigure. It wasn't doing me any good to sit and listen to his nonsense. I was irritated, waiting for Hatori to come back into the room to take us home. I wouldn't admit it, but I was also curious about Kyo. I'd never seen him like that. Even though he wasn't really conscious, the minute Hatori touched him, he started howling in misery. He kept shouting things that only half made sense; something about getting out of the way because of the train and then because of the car. He was weeping tearlessly the entire time, shaking with sobs. The whole ordeal terrified me.

Shigure had called Momiji as soon as we got to the ER and told him to fill Tohru in after work and bring her here to visit Kyo if she wanted.

I pressed the icepack against my cheek. In spite of my pain, all I could think of was how terrified I was when I saw Kyo in so much agony. My bruises and small cut were nothing compared to the utter misery Kyo was experiencing. I didn't understand it. I didn't want to know what caused him such pain. All I knew was that I wanted to stop it.

The forcefulness of my conviction still startled me. I had said before that as much as I disliked Kyo, he was still a human and no person deserves to suffer. I truly believed that Kyo wasn't capable of doing something unforgivable.

_All he has to do is apologize and I'll forgive him_, I thought. _Although, he has no idea why I'm still so angry with him._ I bit my lip and yelped when a sharp pain shot through my face. I'd forgotten about the stitches.

I sighed and flopped backward against the uncomfortable hospital sheets. Moments later, Tohru burst into my room. "Yuki-kun!" she shouted. "Are you alright?"

I sat up. "I'm fine, Honda-san," I replied.

"Oh no! Those bruises look painful!" She reached out to brush her fingers over my swollen face. "Yuki-kun, what happened?"

I took a deep breath. "Kyo had a fever. He was delirious. He didn't intend to hit me."

Tohru gasped. "Oh, no nono! I wish I'd known he was sick! I should have been able to see it. Hatori-san said that he had ulcers. It sounds serious!"

"Honda-san," I said as softly as I was able. "There's no need to panic. Kyo will be fine."

Tohru shook her head. "I thought he'd been acting strange lately. I should have tried harder to get him to talk to me."

Her eyes started welling up with tears. I had a moment's flash of irritation with Kyo for making Tohru worry but it passed. Kyo had bigger problems to deal with. I nearly chuckled at the readiness with which I'd given Kyo an excuse for his behavior. It was unlike me to say the least.

Hatori walked in just then. "I apologize, Tohru-chan," he greeted her. "I need to speak to Yuki alone."

"O-of course!" said Tohru. She walked out the door.

Shigure pouted. "I don't get an apology? Haa-san, you're so cruel."

Hatori stared at him. "I'll offer you an apology when you've made up for all the problems you've caused me."

Shigure sniffled and let out a fake sob before walking out the door.

"Kyo woke up for a moment while I examined him," said Hatori.

I just looked at him. How was he expecting me to react? I didn't understand why he was telling me this.

"He should be fine. He has no memory of kicking you."

I sighed. "The idiot caught a cold and let himself get into such terrible shape…"

Hatori furrowed his brow. "He doesn't have a cold, Yuki-kun. Kyo's fever is brought on by emotional distress. Anxiety is tearing his body apart from the inside. I came to tell you not to fight him. If he argues with you, try to deflect it. If he attempts to strike you, let him."

"What?" I demanded. "I'm supposed to just let-"

"He probably won't try to hit you again, Yuki. Not for a long time."

"Why?"

Hatori shook his head and stared out the window. "I just know he won't." He was silent for a moment. "Would you like to see him before you leave?"

"Why?" I asked. "Is he even awake? What would I have to say to him?"

Hatori shrugged. "I'll drive you home."


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket. This is just fanfiction for which I make no money.**_

_**Early update due to holidays this isn't going to happen a whole lot.**_

_**Chapter 4**_

_**Kyo**_

The window in my room had a really boring view. I looked out of it anyway because it sucked slightly less than looking at nothing. Doctors and nurses came in a lot to check on me. I only spoke to ask the doctor when I'd get out and to respond to questions with as few words as possible. I'd never been hospitalized before; anything that was ever wrong with me wasn't serious enough that Hatori couldn't fix it. Now there was something wrong with me that Hatori couldn't fix.

No one could fix it.

My mind kept wandering to Yuki. It bugged me. I didn't want to think about _him_ at all. There was just nothing to do. I was waiting for someone to visit but it seemed like no one even cared. _And why should they? It's not like I'm important. No one wants to visit the monster. No one cares that I'm sick._

I kept thinking that way.

I was still really sleepy. The nurse put medicine in the IV to help with the pain. I didn't ask her to. It didn't hurt that bad but she insisted.

Just when I thought I would be bored to death, the door opened. I sat up. I knew immediately it wasn't a doctor or a nurse because they always knocked. When I saw Yuki standing in the doorway, looking unsure, I sighed. As much as I wanted someone to visit, _he_ was the last, the very _last,_ person I wanted to see… Aside from Kagura, maybe.

Yuki strode over to the stupid little closet thing and placed a backpack in it. "I brought you some clothes," he muttered.

I stared at him. He seemed like he wasn't sure what to do.

"Why did _you_ bring them?" I asked. "Didn't Tohru…"

"She's working today. She spent a lot of time trying to decide if she should go or if she should visit." Yuki walked over and stood by the bed. "In the end, Shigure convinced her to go to work."

"Oh…"

Yuki stood next to my bed all awkwardly for a minute. It was then that I noticed the ugly bruise on the left side of his face and the stitch in his lip. "What happened to your face?" I asked.

Yuki looked startled and he brushed his fingers over his swollen cheek. "You kicked me when you were… when I was helping Hatori bring you to the hospital."

_Figures the only time I land a blow would be when I'm not even conscious._ "I didn't mean-"

"I know…" Yuki interrupted. He looked away. "What are you so stressed about?"

I pulled my knees up to my chest. "I'm pretty pathetic. Getting sick like this and making Tohru worry."

"You shouldn't worry about Honda-san too much. You can't help being sick. Just… get better."

I was stunned by his sudden show of compassion. I always pictured him as a cold bastard that didn't care about anyone but himself and his own agenda. Even now, rage boiled in my stomach. But it wasn't directed at Yuki; I was angry with myself.

"Kyo," said Yuki. "Don't get upset."

I noticed that I was gripping the sheets really tight and I let them go with difficulty. "Damnit," I muttered mostly to myself.

"I should go."

I wanted to reach out and grab his arm before he could leave. I was so bored; I needed a distraction and talking to Yuki was preferable to staying there alone. "Heh. I guess you've got more important things to do than sit here and talk to a stupid monster."

"Kyo… You're not... like that. You're not a monster."

"You saw what I become!" I objected. I took a deep breath.

"Yes. And it's terrifying and hideous but that isn't… that's just a small part of you." Yuki turned away. "Think about happy things. You'll never get better if you keep worrying. And... that wouldn't be smart." Yuki walked out.

_I really wanted him to stay…_

_**Yuki**_

I stood by the door to Kyo's room for a long time before I could force myself to leave the hospital. I knew that my presence was infuriating him. He kept getting anxious. I assumed that he wanted to tell me to leave. He couldn't even stand to look at me.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, nodding hello to Haru as he passed me in the hallway. Shigure had told me that Haru planned to visit. He didn't acknowledge my presence. He was lost in thought, which wasn't unusual. However, he looked as if he was worrying. It wasn't like him to show his emotions when he was White Haru. He was definitely not Black Haru. He wasn't exuding rage or lust; he just looked…

Sad.

I tried not to think about it. Haru being worried sent a chill down my spine. It only occurred to me later, as I was boarding the tram to take me back to town that Haru was probably upset because Kyo was having the same problem as Rin. He saw firsthand what it was like when a person had ulcers. Obviously, he'd be upset about it. But it didn't explain why he _looked_ upset.

And that bothered me.

_**Kyo**_

I felt like I was floating. No, it was more like I was nothing. I was just a thought. I couldn't feel my body, but I wasn't worried about it. I guessed that the painkillers were kicking in.

I had a weird feeling of calm. It was kind of nice. I didn't know how long I stayed that way. It felt like seconds but it also felt like hours. The feeling of a hand closing on mine brought me out of it. My first thought was that Yuki had come back. But he wouldn't hold my hand.

I opened my eyes and blinked several times while a fuzzy black and white blur swam in front of my face. My tongue felt heavy and I didn't bother trying to speak. A few moments later (or maybe it was hours, who knows?) I finally managed to focus my eyes and Hatsuharu came into view.

"Kyo…" he muttered.

He looked sad. Maybe. I couldn't really tell. I was so tired. I felt weightless. The only thing I could feel was his hand on mine. It was like his gentle grip was anchoring me to the world. "Wh- why are you here?" I asked.

"What's bothering you?" he asked. "Why are you in so much pain?"

I wasn't imagining it. His voice was sad too. I looked away. I couldn't look at him. I didn't understand why he was so damn sad. Why was he looking at me like that? I didn't like it.

"Kyo. I…" he trailed off. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" _I'm too tired for this. He doesn't make any sense._

"I never told you all this time. You're suffering and… you're not alone, Kyo. You're not."

I squinted at him. I felt like my brain was floating in water or jell-o. Nothing he said made sense.

"Why are you in pain, Kyo?"

"I'm not. I'm on so many drugs I can't feel anything."

Haru stared at me. "That's not what I meant."

I shrugged. It took a lot of energy.

"Rin has ulcers." He sighed. "It's kind of a secret that we're dating but… Yuki knows. Rin blames herself for a lot of things. And when she feels really guilty or upset, her stomach bleeds. I wanna know why you're sad. It… it makes me sad that you're in so much pain… because…"

"What?"

He looked down into my eyes. I knew what he was going to say before he said it but I was still surprised to hear the words. "I don't want you to hurt because I love you."

I stared at him, stunned. "What? What does _that_ mean?"

"I love you. I love Rin, I love Yuki and… I love you."

"That doesn't make sense! How can you love three people that way? I-" I started coughing.

"Relax. D-don't get upset. It'll get worse."

My eyelids felt heavy. Haru touched my face and it felt like he was crying. His eyes looked wet. "I'm sorry I never told you. I just… was afraid you'd be upset. I hope that even though you don't love me, you'll still feel better knowing that someone does."

I laughed. It was funny for some reason. Maybe the drugs were making me feel strange. I don't know. "Kagura loves me."

I suddenly felt Haru's breath on my face. "It's not the same."

He pressed his lips gently to mine. It felt nice. I also felt tears. He was crying for me. "Thanks," I muttered. The medicine finally made me fall asleep.

_**Yuki**_

The more I thought about how Haru looked when he walked into Kyo's room, the more I worried. Honda-san had gone to visit Kyo but he was loopy and out of it the whole time. She said he apologized to her and then started laughing. She smiled when she told me. "I don't think he could help it," she said. "The pain killers were making him tired." When I asked her what else he said she frowned. "He said to apologize to Haru for him. But he didn't say why."

Haru wasn't at school the day after he visited Kyo. Honda-san didn't make the connection. As I walked her to work, I wondered vaguely if I should ask Kyo. I'd heard that the doctors were weaning him off the painkillers and that the stomach medicine was beginning to heal his ulcers. The plan was to discharge him later next week.

As I was thinking, my feet took me to the train and before I realized what I was doing, I'd boarded and was on the way to the hospital. It was strange, really that I would go visit Kyo. I was disgusted with him. Looking at him revolted me. I was angry with him for being so pathetic. But I felt sorry for him too.

My feet took the familiar path to his floor and I entered his bedroom soundlessly. I was half hoping he'd be asleep or on too much medicine to be coherent. He was sitting up and looked more lucid than I'd hoped.

"What are _you_ doing here, rat-boy?" he snarled.

_He's enough himself to be rude. I suppose he's getting better._ "What happened between you and Haru?"

Kyo caught my gaze. He looked startled, then sad. "He's… He's an idiot."

"What are you talking about?"

"He's an idiot, alright? He was worried about me. Stupid."

"Of course he was worried. You were spitting up blood. He asked Shigure if you were dying. He cares about you." I was really irritated now. Kyo just kept trampling on things. He didn't even understand half of why Haru worried so much.

"Damnit. Stupid cow."

I shook my head. "You don't understand."

"I understand plenty, damn rat. Now what the hell are you doing here?"

"Upsetting you, obviously. I'll leave."

"Then go!" Kyo stared out the window. "I don't wanna look at you anymore. It makes me sick."

_It's not really like that, is it?_ I thought as I walked out the door. _Even so, that hurt me worse than anything else he's said._

_**Kyo**_

_I only ever say mean things to him… it's just like I was with Tohru all that time…_

_But why shouldn't I say mean things? I hate him. I hate him with all my heart! People as rotten as him should just die!_

That thought made my stomach hurt. I rolled over and clutched at my gut. It felt like I couldn't breathe. My chest felt tight and I started coughing.

A doctor rushed in. _Was I coughing that loud?_

"The nurse said you coughed up blood again," he said. He sounded tired.

"What? I didn't…" I stopped. There was blood next to me on the sheet. "DAMNIT!"

"Sohma-san, try not to be upset."

I groaned. "Why the hell won't you people leave me be? I'm sick of this place. I'm sick of all these damn people!"

"Sohma-san…" He walked over to my IV. "You need to rest."

"What's in that syringe?" I asked, eyeing the needle in his hand. "Don't give me medicine without telling me what it is."

"It's an anti-anxiety medicine. I can't have you getting upset. Your ulcers are just healing." He injected the medicine in my IV and I immediately felt sleepy.

"Damn… rat…" I muttered as I drifted off.

_**Haru**_

I didn't know whether to feel bad about it or not. Kyo thanked me when I kissed him. But maybe he was too tired to get angry. I wanted to talk to Yuki. I couldn't calm down. I was afraid I'd go Black at school that day so I didn't go. When I went the day after, Yuki looked upset. I wondered what was happening.

Yuki always scolded me for worrying about other people. I wondered what he'd do if he knew why I worried so much. It was my selfish way of distracting myself from my own problems.

I didn't get lost on the way to Sensei's house that time. An improvement, I guess. Tohru wasn't there and Sensei was asleep. Yuki was still at the student council meeting so I hung up my coat and walked up to his bedroom. I paused in front of the door to Kyo's room and peeked in. It looked like he hadn't grown out of his habit of keeping things clean as a whistle. That made me feel a little better. Although, it was possible that Tohru had cleaned it for him.

I sank into Yuki's bed and admired the mess. His desk was chronically untidy and crumpled shirts lay on the floor. I imagined him sifting through the junk, scolding himself for letting things be messy but never bothering to clean it.

I heard his footsteps on the stairs and in the hall. I leaned back on my hands and stared at the ceiling. I didn't speak when he walked in and stared at me. He was surprised to see me. Once the shock wore off, he looked relieved. "Haru," he said.

"Yuki," I replied.

He stood in the doorway for a moment before picking carefully through the mess on the floor to sit beside me on his bed. "You look cute," I commented. Yuki blushed. It only made him cuter.

"You shouldn't say these things, Haru."

I shrugged. "Kyo didn't mind. At least… I think he didn't."

Yuki looked puzzled. He tilted his head to one side and I was reminded forcefully of a confused puppy. "What do you mean?"

I blinked. "When I told him I loved him."

Yuki sighed. "You _really_ shouldn't say things like that."

I studied him. "Why not?"

Yuki just shook his head as if he was trying to figure out how to tell me what he was thinking without upsetting me. "It's unfair to say such things to Kyo when he's vulnerable."

That shocked me. "Since when do you worry about when Kyo is vulnerable? You only fight him when he's vulnerable."

Yuki gave me that puzzled look again. "I don't pick the fights; he always does."

I stared at the ceiling again, wondering if Yuki was really that dense or if he was pretending. "He picks fights _because _he feels vulnerable. I always pick fights with him when I know he isn't."

"Still, you shouldn't say those things to Kyo. I'm surprised you don't have bruises."

"He didn't hit me." I looked at him. "You have a point, though. I guess I shouldn't have kissed him either."

Yuki sputtered incoherently for a moment. It was like he was being adorable on purpose. I grinned. "Y-you… kissed him?" I nodded. "On the _lips_?"

"I didn't think he'd appreciate it if I kissed him on the-"

"Haru!"

I chuckled. "You get so freaked out by this stuff. I don't get it." I shook my head. _He has no idea how adorable he is..._

Yuki touched my knee. "I feel like I should tell you something."

I looked at him. "What is it?" I tugged on his tie.

"I feel like you'll understand."

I waited.

"There's something about me that I figured out a long time ago but I never told anyone. I… I wanted to tell you first. I didn't think it would be so complicated."

I touched his hand and nodded.

"I don't… that is to say… I don't… desire… girls." He whispered the last word, but there was no denying that he'd said it.

"You mean you're gay."

Yuki turned bright pink in the face. "H-how do you just… say things so frankly? Don't you have any shame?"

"About that kind of thing? No, that's stupid." I smiled. "And probably not about anything else either."

Yuki shook his head. His expression looked suspiciously sad. I could almost see him fighting back tears. "Th-thank you…" He pulled me into a tight hug and I fought not to stiffen up. I finally allowed myself to relax and nestled my face in the crook of his neck. I had wanted to confide in him but he got there first.

He released me. "You didn't come here just to tell me about Kyo, right?" he asked.

I shrugged.

"Is there something else on your mind?"

I nodded. "A lot of things. For example, I have a test tomorrow."

"That's not what I meant."

I blew out a long stream of air. "I know… but it-. It is about Kyo."

"Hm?"

"Try to be nicer to him, okay?"

Yuki furrowed his brow.

"He'll heal from his ulcers but something is making him miserable. If you can't be nice, try to avoid him. I don't want him to hurt anymore. I can't be here to protect him."

"Haru… You always worry about other people to your own detriment."

I smiled. "I can't help it."

Yuki was looking at me funny. It was like he had something on his mind but he wasn't sure how to express it. He leaned in, his hand still resting on my knee. I knew he was going to kiss me. I held still.

His kiss was gentle, but it was also awkward. I didn't kiss back, which was stupid. I should have. How often would I get such an opportunity? But he pulled away before I could change my mind. "I thought so…" he muttered, looking away. "I'm sorry."

"For kissing me?"

"Yes."

"Don't be."

"I'm also sorry that I didn't feel anything. It must hurt to hear but I had to make sure. It would have been easier if I had."

I shook my head. "That kind of thing won't break my heart." I stood. "I don't mind if you don't want me. You can only hurt me by being sad." I pulled my leather jacket closer around me and headed for the door. "Any time you need a no strings make-out session, give me a call."

"Thank you," Yuki said, making me pause with my hand on the doorknob.

"You're welcome," I replied and I left.

_**Review for speshul surprises. (except not really)**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket. This is just fanfiction for which I make no money.**_

_**Chapter 5**_

_**Kyo**_

I was antsy. The doctors said I was going to be discharged today but I kept worrying that they were going to change their minds. Hatori was in my room for a minute to tell me that I was being discharged on the condition that I take it easy and let him come to Shigure's house and examine me periodically. Being examined was a pain, but I could deal with it. Taking it easy was going to be harder. Hatori said that it was really important that I try to stay calm and not put myself under too much stress. He said that if I started to freak out, I should put one of the pills he gave me under my tongue to calm down.

I didn't like it but I guessed I could do it if it'd keep me out of the hospital.

I practically leaped out of my seat when Hatori entered the room and then groaned when I saw Shigure behind him. "Why is_ he_ here?" I growled.

"Well… Let's see…" Shigure muttered.

"Never mind, I don't care." I had a feeling his explanation would just annoy me. I picked up my backpack, brushed off Hatori's offer to carry it for me then walked out of the stuffy room for good.

Hatori and Shigure followed. They weren't talking. That was just fine with me. I didn't give a damn about anything they had to say. Once we got in the car, though, Hatori and Shigure decided they wanted to talk. To me. At length.

"Kyo-kun," Shigure began. "You need to keep a cool head from now on."

I ground my teeth, fighting back the annoyance. "I'll be okay as long as perverted dogs and obnoxious rats'll leave me be."

"I already spoke with Yuki," Hatori said. His voice was low and creepy. I always hated the way he talked. I felt an irrational stab of annoyance at him. I hated his stupid memory erasing power and wondered where he was when my mom should've forgotten all about me. I shut the thought out. I couldn't think about it. I didn't want to go back to that stupid disgusting cubicle where I was prodded and bothered by doctors all the time.

I was so sick of that place that I was even kind of looking forward to seeing Yuki. _Ugh, I'm stupid._

"I'd also like you to tell me about what's bothering you when I come for checkups," said Hatori.

"What are you, a therapist?" I asked. "I don't need you to shrink my head."

Hatori glanced at me in his rearview mirror. His expression was unreadable.

Shigure chuckled. "No one would dare dream of shrinking your head, Kyo. Although, your poor brain must feel lonely with all the extra space."

"Someone should shrink yours," said Hatori. He smacked Shigure upside the head without looking away from the road. "I told you to keep your ridiculous comments to yourself. If you upset Kyo needlessly, there could be problems."

"Don't tell people to be weird around me," I said. "It would make me even _more_ annoyed if people started treating me like a damn bomb."

Hatori frowned. I could see his reflection in the windshield. "If you feel that is best, then instruct the others to treat you normally. However, I forbid you from picking fights with Yuki."

I scoffed. "I'm not _dumb_. Even I know you shouldn't get in fights when your stomach bleeds."

"Also, this goes without saying, but if you start having severe stomach pain, if you cough up blood or if you see blood in your stool-"

"The doctors at the hospital already told me all that. I'll call you if I have to. Now can we stop talking about it?"

Hatori fell silent and there were no more annoying questions or banter. _Good_.

_**Yuki**_

I was having difficulty sitting still. I'd asked Tohru if I could help prepare dinner but after I burned the vegetables we both agreed that it'd be best if I didn't assist. Tohru was making all of Kyo's favorite foods and the smell of cod roe and wonton soup filled the down stairs. I liked the smell. It was a warm smell and it reminded me of Kyo.

I shook that thought away. I didn't need to think about him any more than I already had been. It was exhausting. I worried about him and then scolded myself for worrying. I fretted over how I should act. I'd thought about it and decided not to change my behavior. I had a feeling that it would irritate Kyo more to be treated like he was made of porcelain than if I should continue to instigate and treat him coldly.

In fact, when Kyo walked in the door, growling at Shigure to leave him alone, I didn't spare him a glance. I kept my gaze focused on the table where my math homework sat. I felt a prickling sensation in the back of my neck and it became clear that Kyo was staring at me. After a moment, I sighed. "If you're trying to commit my image to memory, you'd be better off taking a picture."

"Damn, Yuki," Kyo spat.

_Hmm… he didn't call me "Rat."_

I sighed and cast him my best disdainful look. "You really _can't_ think of anything more original, can you?"

Kyo's face fell and he didn't respond. That hadn't been what I'd expected. He stalked up the stairs and slammed the door to his room.

"Really, Yuki…" Shigure muttered. He made a tsk-ing sound. "We've been forbidden from needlessly upsetting the poor kitty."

I shrugged. "It's not up to me to keep him calm. He should learn better self control."

Shigure plopped himself down next to me on the couch. "There are some things that Kyo will never be able to control."

"What do you mean?"

"The curse, for instance." Shigure tapped his chin with his fingers. "He can't help how he feels about you. It's part of the curse."

"I disagree."

Shigure looked at me, his head tilted to one side like a confused dog. I smirked inwardly at the pun. "What could you possibly mean by that?"

"I don't think that we are obligated to hate each other just because of the curse. I never felt _obligated_ to hate him. I just hate him because I do."

"Hmmm… Such a long time to hold such a silly grudge."

"What are you talking about?"

Shigure glanced at me. "Do you know why the rat tricked the cat?"

I just stared at him.

"Ah! I suppose not. How could you? You've never been informed. Oh well…"

"Why?"

Shigure stood up. "Maybe you should ask Kyo one day. I think he might now."

Shigure walked off into his office before I could ask him anything further.

_**Kyo**_

My relief to be home was short-lived. I locked myself in my bedroom and glared at the ceiling, willing my brain to be empty until Tohru came to tell me that dinner was ready. I had a sudden emotional moment when I saw the table set with all of my favorite foods. For some weird reason, I wanted to cry. "Th-thanks, Tohru," I said.

Tohru gave me one of her radiant smiles. For some reason, it didn't fill me with the usual sense of warmth and security but I smiled back. I'd been practicing looking happy when I was alone in the hospital and Tohru seemed fooled by my act. But when I sat at the table, Yuki was giving me an appraising look. I didn't like it. I scowled at him and turned my attention back to my plate.

To her credit, Tohru didn't dote on me too much. I guess she knew better but she acted a nervous for a little bit until I started talking excitedly about going back to the dojo in a week or two. I fooled her completely.

Yuki kept giving me that same look. Every time I smiled, he frowned. I glared at him a few times, almost coming to the point of asking him what the hell his problem was. But every time I thought about insulting him or getting mad, I'd remember when he yelled at me to stop blaming him and couldn't say anything.

After dinner, I helped Tohru wash the dishes. "So, Kyo-kun," she started. She paused, I guess she was thinking about how to phrase what she wanted to say. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm glad to be home," I replied.

She beamed. I liked that she was always genuine and her feelings were written all over her face. Sometimes, I worried that she'd get trampled if she wasn't careful but I knew how strong she was too. "I'm glad you're home too, Kyo-kun." She paused again. "I-if you want to tell me about what's bothering you… I'll listen. I know I'm not the most reliable person-"

"You _are_ the most reliable person. Most reliable person I know."

"Oh, no. I can't be that great!" She flapped her arm up and down the way she does when she's anxious about being complimented. I used to think it was really cute. Now it was just… sorta endearing. "But, if you want to confide in me… I'd be really happy, Kyo-kun."

I sighed. "I'm not really sure what's going on, actually," I said. I felt bad about not telling her what I was feeling. Especially since I used to confide in her all the time. "I guess I've just been really stressed." I dried the plate she handed me and put it away.

"I've… I've noticed that you and Yuki-kun seem to be avoiding each other."

I bristled at that. "I don't wanna deal with him right now."

"Mmhm." Tohru paused. "I can understand needing a break from people sometimes. Not that I ever need a break from you! I just mean that it's only natural, especially if a person hates someone so much that they can't stand it. I just… I wish Kyo-kun could learn to get along with Yuki-kun. You are both so precious to me."

I sighed. "I don't think I can fix it. It's been broken since before we were born."

"I think that the first step to fixing something is realizing that something is wrong."

"Yeah, I've realized that a while ago."

"But… not just that. It's easy to tell that you and Yuki-kun don't get along. If you realize that it isn't right to hate him, you can begin to heal. If you want to… I… I shouldn't make such assumptions. I know that sometimes, hating Yuki-kun makes Kyo-kun feel better. If it's the only way to protect Kyo-kun's heart…" Tohru blushed and continued washing the dishes. "My mom always said that it's better to try to understand people rather than hate them. Sometimes, people dislike others for reasons that aren't even true and if they get to know each other, they might find that they were wrong."

I could only nod in response. Her words felt like a dagger straight into my heart. It was a stabbing, twisting pain. "I'll be okay, though." I smiled but it felt like a grimace. "It's probably just something guys go through when they grow up."

Tohru smiled. I was really getting good at pretending to be okay.

"Looks like we're finished! Thank you so much for helping me with the dishes. I have to get to work… Oh, and I'll be spending the night at Hana-chan's tonight so I won't need to be picked up."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Did you tell Yuki that?"

"I- oh, no! I forgot, but I have to get going. Would you mind telling him for me?"

I tugged on her pigtail and smiled. "Yeah, yeah, I'll tell him."

Tohru thanked me profusely and left. I wandered up the stairs and relayed the message to Yuki through his bedroom door and went to lie down. I wasn't so much anxious as exhausted. I felt depressed, like a crushing black weight had settled on my thoughts. I felt like I was drowning. I curled in on myself and whimpered, the old mantra of "it's my fault, I hate myself" running mercilessly through my mind.

_Everyone would be so much better off if I were dead._

_**Yuki**_

I sat pondering Kyo's bizarre behavior for a long while before retiring to my bed. I lay awake, however for another hour wondering what he was thinking. Normally, he'd act annoyed when he had to relay messages for Honda-san. However, when he'd come to tell me that I didn't need to pick her up, he'd sounded bored. I was worried. Kyo was an energetic person. He wasn't the type to mope around. I feared that he would give himself another ulcer if he didn't take better care of himself.

I wandered down the hall and paused at Kyo's door. I decided against knocking; Kyo would only turn me away. I slipped as soundlessly as possible into Kyo's room and stared at him for a moment. He was curled into a tight ball, shaking. He looked so pathetic and miserable. I wanted to reach out and comfort him but I crossed my arms instead.

"You're being ridiculous," I said. I couldn't stop myself, the words just tumbled out.

"Damnit…" said Kyo. There was no venom in his voice. He was acting the way he did on rainy days although it was quite sunny out, despite the cold. "What do you want?"

I was stunned into silence. What _did_ I want? I didn't have the slightest idea. "Whatever you're holding in is not worth destroying yourself over."

"You don't know that."

I scoffed. "Get over yourself. It's ridic-"

"Nobody asked you!"

I sighed. "Calm down. If you give yourself another ulcer, it will only cause everyone to worry."

Kyo laughed, but there was no humor in it. "Even you?"

I shrugged. "It's bizarre; unsettling."

"Just do me a favor and don't be nice to me, okay?" Kyo glared out the window.

"Who said anything about being nice?" I turned on my heel and headed for the door.

"If you're nice, I won't be able to handle it."

"Stupid cat," I muttered and I left.

_**Kyo**_

_It really won't stop hurting, will it? So why do I keep dealing with it?_

I sighed and fell backward against my pillows. _Because I'm too chicken._

I didn't really feel like things were _that bad_. Or maybe I just didn't want to think about it, so I told myself that they weren't. I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was still horribly wrong. I didn't understand it. My heart was pounding in my chest the whole time Yuki was in my room. I didn't care that he saw me all vulnerable and shaking. I was kind of glad. _That's just stupid._

But part of me had hoped that if he saw me like that, he'd try to comfort me. His reaction was exactly what I expected. So that made it better. Tohru's words were running through my head the whole time. It was useless to believe, though. Much as I analyzed Yuki's behavior, he was exactly what I thought he was. It was comforting, in a way. Knowing that he was still the same meant that I could keep thinking of him the way I used to.

_Even if I can't blame him, that doesn't mean I can't still hate him, right?_

No. It wasn't that I hated him. That wasn't it at all. In fact, I was starting to like him. It was weird. Every time I looked at him, I noticed that he was somehow kind of attractive. I could admit when another guy was attractive without being weird about it, right? Anyone could see that he was good looking. Obviously he was good looking, or else all those damn girls wouldn't be so in love with him.

I scoffed. Their love was stupid. They didn't know what he was really like. They were just all caught up in his looks. If they knew what he was really like, their love would make sense. He really was…

_Stop thinking like that. It's weird._

No matter what I told myself, I couldn't fool my heart. Yuki _was_ the kind of person someone could fall in love with.

_Okay, but isn't there someone out there for everyone? Isn't it true that there is no one who isn't loveable?_

_Other than you?_ A mean voice hissed in the back of my brain. I didn't want to believe its harsh words, but part of me screamed that it must be true. _That's why the cat is the most cursed! No one can love a monster._

My curse dictated my fate; I was a person destined to be despised and looked down on. I was a person to be pitied but never treated with sympathy. I wasn't really a person at all.

_I might as well just give up now._


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer: Fruits Basket belongs to far greater minds than mine. As such, this is merely fanfiction for which I make no money.**_

_**Chapter Six**_

_**Yuki**_

Something about Kyo's smiles was distinctly_ wrong_. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Outwardly, he was acting completely normal. He smiled and joked around, got angry and raised his voice. He even laughed. But there was something so terribly _not right_ about his behavior. The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. The more it bothered me, the more I watched him to figure it out. The more I watched him, the more it bothered me.

By the time I walked into the student council meeting, I was a bundle of raw nerves. Kakeru hadn't given any indication that he knew about my… abnormality. _Get a grip already! You're gay!_ I shuddered. He wasn't the type to spread such things around. Otherwise, I'd be a mockery of the whole school.

Anyway, Kimi and Kakeru were having a heated discussion about their favorite kind of undergarments –why they'd discuss such a thing was beyond me. Nao was gritting his teeth and casting them agitated looks every once in a while between shuffling papers. I didn't see Machi, I assumed she was skipping again. I sighed and called the meeting to order.

"The Archery club has requested more funding," I began.

"Is that the club that uses those fake swords?" Kakeru interrupted.

"That's fencing, you half-wit," said Nao.

"Aww, Chibi-suke," said Kakeru. "Do you have your undies in a bundle?"

Nao scoffed and muttered something about "sea-urchins" and not calling him Chibi.

"That reminds me… do you wear boxers or briefs?"

Nao sputtered, a faint blush covering his cheeks. "That's none of your business."

Kakeru sighed. "You're so lame…"

I cleared my throat. "The Archery club-"

"Hey, Yun-Yun, what kind of underwear do _you _wear?" Kakeru interrupted.

"I… I hardly see how this is relevant."

"Ooo, Kimi wants to know!" said Kimi. "Let me guess… Kimi thinks that Yun-Yun wears… Briefs!"

"Don't be stupid, Kimi," said Kakeru. "Yun-Yun obviously wears lacy pink-" I slammed my hand over Kakeru's mouth.

"As I was saying, in order for the Archery club to receive more funding, they have to have over 10 members. Right now, they have 9, but they insist that they need more money to advertise and gain membership. Should we give them more funding?"

"Kimi thinks that Archery is silly!" said Kimi. "If there was a club for shopping or fashion, it wouldn't have trouble having more than 10 members."

"Who would join such a stupid club?" Nao asked.

"Kimi would!"

"Should we put it to a vote?" I asked.

Kakeru backed away from my hand and started laughing. "Of course you would, Kimi," he said.

"It's stupid," said Nao. "And it would be a waste of the school's money!"

"Manabe-kun doesn't think it's stupid, do you?" Kimi asked.

"Uh…" Kakeru was clearly feeling cornered. "I think we should give the Archery club more money."

"But, the fashion club…"

"There is no fashion club!" said Nao. "Let's just get this over with so we can go home. I don't think the Archery club should get more money. The rules clearly state-"

"Who cares about the rules?" asked Kimi. "Rules are meant to be broken. Kimi thinks we should give the Archery club more money too!"

Nao glared at me. I sighed. "I think we can afford to give them more money."

"We'd know for sure if the treasurer were here," Nao hissed.

"Machi's sick again," said Manabe. "She gets sick a lot in the Winter."

_Is it Winter already?_

"What else do we need to get done today?" asked Kakeru. "I'm tired…"

"Kimi is tired too," Kimi agreed.

I sighed. "There have been complaints from teachers about class 4-A. It seems they've gotten the most write-ups this term."

"Oooh," said Kimi. "Four-A is Kimi's class."

"The teacher's want harsher penalties for misbehavior and they want to implement a new system."

"What system?" asked Kakeru. "Are they talking about detentions?"

I looked down at the request. "No, they want to implement a system where they make the punishment fit the crime." I was getting a headache already.

"That sounds good to me," said Nao. "If they want to make stiffer penalties for rule-breakers, I think we should back them."

I nodded. "I think there is a point to it," I agreed. "If the penalties fit the crime, students are more likely to behave."

"Kimi doesn't care."

"Does that mean you're abstaining from your vote?" asked Nao.

Kimi nodded.

"I think it's a terrible idea!" said Kakeru. "What kind of punishment will they give for students caught doing dirty things on campus?"

I sighed. "I'm sure they'll think of something."

"They won't make them do it in front of other people will they?"

"Manabe," said Nao. "This is just ridic-"

"Chibi-suke wouldn't have to worry, since he's not popular. But Yun-Yun has so many admirers! It would be a problem if he got caught with a girl and had to-"

"That's enough!" I snarled. "Can we please get back to the topic at hand? Since Kimi is abstaining and Machi isn't here, your vote is null. I'll send the word to the administration that we're okay with the policy."

"Jeez, Yun-Yun," said Kakeru. "You're in such a _bad_ mood today." He stretched. "I think someone needs to get laid-"

Kakeru was cut off when I punched him in the jaw. I don't know what about what he said made me lose my cool. I'd never resorted to that type of violence in school. Manabe looked at me, holding his jaw. He looked shocked and then guilty. "Sorry, Yuki," he apologized. "I just… I said that without thinking."

I took a deep breath. "It's quite alright," I said. "I shouldn't have struck you."

"Kimi thinks-"

"No one cares what you think!" Nao snapped. He stood up. "I've had it for today. I'm going home." He stormed out. He was in a worse mood than usual as well. I had a feeling it had to do with how energetic Kimi and Manabe were.

"Well, if Chibi-suke isn't staying, than Kimi won't stay either." She gathered her things and walked out.

"I really am so-"

I raised my hand to stop Manabe's apology. "There's no need."

"I say stuff without thinking a lot… I guess I should work on that, huh?"

I shook my head. "I've been under a lot of stress lately."

"Is it because your cousin, what's his name?"

"Kyo." His name felt odd in my mouth. It was as if it were a flavor I hadn't tasted in a while. I shook my head. _What a strange thing to think._

"Is it because Kyo was out of school for so long?" he asked.

"Huh?" I'd forgotten what he was talking about. "Oh… Not really. As I've said, he and I don't really see eye to eye."

"Yeah, but…" Manabe paused. "I saw you… staring at him in the hallway earlier."

I froze. I hadn't realized how obvious I'd been.

"It was… twice." Manabe fiddled with the hem of his shirt. "What happened to him?"

"He was… sick," I said. I rested my hand on the desk I was standing near and gazed out the window. "He's fine now."

Manabe nodded. "Yeah. He looked really… off for a while. It still seems like there's something wrong with him."

I frowned. It was strange that he would pick up on that. "Have you been watching him?"

Kakeru laughed. "No," he said. "I just… notice stuff. I was worried about you for a while."

I frowned. "Why?"

"Well, because of what you told me… I mean, how you acted when I figured it out. You must think it's… wrong or something."

I shook my head, a denial already on my lips.

"You know… It's okay if you don't feel good about it. It's not like society makes it _easy_ on gay people."

I recoiled at his use of the word. I was not at all close to being comfortable with it. Haru had acted as if it were normal. But then, he was bisexual… Or rather, he didn't care what gender a person was.

"But I accept you, Yun-Yun," said Manabe. "I don't care if you're a lesbian."

I laughed. Normally, it bothered me when he made jokes about me being a woman. I just couldn't that time. I was too relieved that he was so okay with it. "That's good to know."

"I have a question." He stared off into the distance for a minute. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

I bristled. "N-no."

He smiled. "It just seems like a guy like you could get anybody."

_Except Kyo… I… didn't really just think that, did I?_ I just waved my hand dismissively. "Are you offering?" I teased.

Kakeru snorted. "Nahh, I'm in love with Komaki." He grinned. "My angel of meat. Besides, no offence, but you're not really my type."

I laughed. "Does that mean you like boys as well as girls?"

"Yun-Yun!" Manabe scolded. "I thought you _were_ a girl!"

I shoved him playfully, thankful that I could count on him to stay the same.

_**Kyo**_

I felt like my heart was going to explode. I hadn't been out of my room much except to go to school since I had that weird argument with Yuki the other day. I was curled up under the sheets, clutching my hair. I willed it to go away. If I willed it away hard enough, the horrible confused emotions would go away, right? This horrible gut-wrenching depression would subside and I'd be okay.

I didn't know.

I felt like I was barely floating in the middle of an ocean and it was only a matter of time before I got dragged under the surface by those horrible memories. Even though I hadn't seen my mom get hit by the train, I kept imagining it. _It's not going to stop, mom!_ I screamed in my head, shuddering. I bit down on my lip hard enough to draw blood. _She took the easy way out. I could do it too. _I had to stop myself, I shouldn't think like that. _Why did I have to be born the cat? Why did I have to be born at all? Would it make my life any different if I'd been born _normal_? Would it be better if I wasn't cursed; if my family tied to this stupid promise?_

I knew it wouldn't. In my heart of hearts, I knew that there was no chance; even if I didn't have a curse weighing me down, it wouldn't keep the crushing pain at bay. The truth was that the more I thought about it, I realized that I was to blame for all of my misery. This pain was so unrelenting. Death would be a welcoming release.

I sat up and buried my face in my hands. I heard a knock on the door and Tohru called that dinner was ready. I shouted okay and headed downstairs. "Seems like you've been gone a lot." I grinned and helped Tohru set the table.

Tohru beamed at me. "I know, Kyo-kun. I'm really sorry, it's just that I wanted to make a bit of extra money this winter so I could take part of the summer off."

"Oh?" I felt an easy, yet fake, smile spread across my face. "Got big plans?"

Tohru blushed. "W-well… Um… Momiji-kun wants to go to the ocean this summer."

"Just you and him?"

Tohru's blush deepened. "H-Hatori-san and Ayame-san will be our chaperones…"

Comprehension dawned on me and I clapped her on the shoulder, my face was starting to hurt from all of the fake smiles. "You and the rabbit, huh?" I caught Yuki staring at me. Apparently, he'd just walked in. "Well, I'm happy for you."

"R-really, Kyo-kun?" she asked. "I mean… you're not-"

"Naw." I chuckled. "Momiji's liked you forever." I ruffled her hair and took my usual seat beside her on the floor. "But if he breaks your heart…" I leaned in close. "I'll break his arm."

Tohru giggled nervously and I cast a quick sideways grin in her direction before digging into my stew. It became clear a moment later that Yuki was still staring at me. "Whaddya want, damn rat?" I snarled.

Yuki's eyes widened.

"Quit starin' at me. Creep."

"It was just a glance," he objected.

I scowled at him. "Your _face_ is _annoying_ me."

Yuki squared his shoulders and started eating his stew. I bristled slightly when Shigure came into the dining room and started ranting animatedly about something (no doubt something perverted). It seemed like he was going for a world record in annoying and I noticed that he kept giving me the same looks Yuki was giving me. It irritated me. A lot. Finally, I couldn't handle the staring and slammed my spoon down on the table. "What's with all the staring?" I snarled.

"Shigure, pass the salt-"

"Don't ignore me, you damn rat! You keep staring and it pisses me off."

"Kyo-kun…" said Tohru.

I gave her an apologetic grimace. "Sorry…."

"Kyo-kun," said Shigure. "Perhaps you should take one of the pills Hatori gave you."

"Hatori can take his pills and-"

"Kyo!" Yuki stood up. "That's enough. If you upset yourself, you'll get sick."

I stood up. "Since when do you give a damn about anything I do?"

Yuki ignored me. His face had turned stony. I couldn't even muster up the energy to scream at him anymore so I just messed around with my stew until it was cold and went back up to bed.

_**Yuki**_

Kyo's mood swings were becoming more pronounced. In front of others, Kyo seemed fairly normal; a bit more cheerful than usual but otherwise okay. However, when I looked into his eyes, I felt deeply unsettled. There was something horribly wrong about his happiness. It was hollow and there was something terrifyingly familiar about it.

When we got to gym class that day, it finally hit me. Kyo had been acting the way I used to. He was putting up a front of false happiness to keep others from noticing how much he was hurting. I almost wanted to reach out to him and ask what was wrong but I couldn't. I was afraid of how I knew he'd react. Kyo had rejected my kindness on more than one occasion and I wasn't keen to repeat the experience.

Every time he reacted in violent rejection of me lately, I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. It was almost like remorse but it had a bitterer sting to it and I didn't understand the reason.

As I watched him out of the corner of my eye that day, it became more and more apparent that he was hiding something. His mask was far from perfect but it was enough to fool those who had never needed to smile through their agony.

It frightened me.

_**Kyo**_

I'd decided it the night before. As I lay awake, staring at the ceiling, it all became so clear. If I just ended it, I wouldn't have to deal with the pain anymore. If I just let go of everything, I wouldn't suffer. It was clear that this pain was unrelenting and poisonous. It was like a dark sludge that was slowly filling my heart with muck.

To make matters worse, I was slowly coming to a horrible conclusion. I wouldn't admit it to myself but deep down, I knew that there was a kind of a cancerous longing for something in my heart. And I was starting to realize what it was.

Every time Yuki looked at me, I got irritated. But I wasn't angry, not really. What I felt was a tugging in my chest. I felt like reaching out and touching him. I wanted to grab him and hold him tight. It was a scary feeling. And it ran deep.

I kept looking at him when he was distracted and thinking about how beautiful he was. I kept thinking about how perfect and smart and attractive and… I didn't want to think about him like that. I didn't want my brain to be filled with thoughts like that. And that was what finally drove me over the edge.

Surprisingly, I felt incredibly light hearted when I realized how easy it would be. I could simply let myself fall off a cliff. It was really simple. I almost laughed at how easy it would be. And I was sure I could do it now. It was scarier to keep living with the pain than it was to just…

Die.

And so, as I walked home that day, glad for once that Tohru was at work and that damn Yuki… (oh, God. Can't think about _him_ right now) was still at school, I walked toward a familiar cliff. It was with thoughts of Yuki and how strange everything was that I put one foot in front of the other, bringing me closer to my death; closer to my relief.

_It's so easy_, I said to myself. _I can just fall. Just like that. And I bet death is like going to sleep._

The cliff came faster than I thought. I smiled sadly down at it. It had to be at least a 30 foot drop. That was plenty to do me in if I went head first. And that rocky stream at the bottom was fast and looked cold. If I didn't die from the fall, I'd drown or freeze to death.

It struck me then how beautiful the forest was. I took it all in, breathing in the smell of trees and dirt as I stood at the edge of the cliff.

And then, all at once, I felt myself being hurled backwards. No, not hurled; _pulled_. And I landed on my back, with someone's bruising grip holding me on top of them.

_**Yuki**_

I'd reacted without thinking. As I lay there, holding Kyo on top of me, I had a sudden terrifying thought that I'd just grabbed him for no good reason. Maybe he wasn't going to jump. Maybe he was just looking at it. Maybe I was over reacting.

I felt the back of Kyo's head hit my chest and saw his eyes roll up to stare at me. "You're so_ annoying_," he muttered after a long silence. "Let me go."

"What are you doing?" I asked. And I was mortified to admit that my voice cracked.

"What do _you_ think? I'm being squeezed to death by an asshole."

That stung. "You were going to jump, weren't you?" Kyo's hesitation broke my heart. He didn't say anything. It was a good five minutes before either of us moved. I felt the bridge of my nose stinging and my chest tightened painfully. Before I could stop myself, tears were spilling from my eyes and I was shuddering with sobs. I felt Kyo struggle, so I held him tighter. "No!" I shouted. "No, no, no!" I was crying like a child now; heaving loud, shuddering sobs. "D-don't go. Pl-please!"

I felt Kyo shaking and thought he might be laughing. I was really embarrassed now; he probably had no plans on killing himself and I'd just been a complete ass by grabbing him. Even still, I couldn't get the tears to stop. I was incredibly ungraceful when I cried. My face got blotchy and I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried.

It was with great shock that I realized that Kyo was crying too. "Wh-why'd you stop me? Why?" He collapsed limply and stopped struggling. I realized that although he was heavy, I was oddly comforted by his weight; by the feeling of his strong, warm back pressed against my chest. "Pl-ease just let me go?" he begged. "I don't wanna do this anymore."

I loosened my grip and sat up, but kept at the ready to grab his arm if he made any sudden movements. To my relief, he simply sat up as well but continued to lean against me, my legs on either side of him and his back pressed to my chest. "Why? Why are you giving up?"

Kyo sighed. "It's better than the alternative."

"Living?" I demanded. "Death is such a relief… What are you running from?"

Kyo whirled around and leaned over me, threateningly. I really was terrified for a moment that he'd attack me. "Everything!" Kyo shouted. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts? How much pain I suffer every day because I'm the cat? Could a rat like you ever understand what it feels to have his heart broken?"

"Seeing as you just _broke_ it, I'd have to say I do!" I snapped. Even I was shocked by how venomous that sounded. "I…" My resolve broke. "This may come as a shock to you but… I don't want you to die."

"Damnit…" Kyo sat back on his heels. "Y'know, it would have been easier if you'd just let me-"

"Stop talking like that!"

"Why are you acting like you care? You think we have a choice? You think we have a say? Our lives are planned out for us. We're all victims of fate. ALL OF US. Especially me. I'm cursed and that's all I am. I'm a filthy monster destined to suffer all his life because of some STUPID PROMISE. YOU THINK I CAN LIVE WITH THAT?"

"Kyo… if that's all we are, then I'll stand up and hold your hand as we both jump. If all we have is what we've been given and there is nothing more to us than our curse then, by all means, let's end it right now. Because… if you die, I'll have to believe you."

Kyo stared at me, flabbergasted. "Wh-what?"

"I don't want to live in a world where you don't exist. I'll never smile again." I stood up. "So, let's go home or go off the cliff. I don't care, either way is fine." Kyo stared at me for a minute before standing up and grasping my hand. To my relief, he headed for the direction of home and didn't let go of my hand until we were at the door.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer: Fruits Basket belongs to far greater minds than mine. As such, this is merely fanfiction for which I make no money.**_

_**I don't know why I have such difficulty writing about blood in stool… I guess… because it's gross. But I'm a Certified Nursing Assistant… and I don't even get grossed out by **_**puss**_**… **_

_**Chapter Seven**_

_**Kyo**_

I didn't say another word to Yuki. I didn't even get a chance. As soon as I got home, I noticed Hatori's car in the driveway and stalked into the living room to be examined. I was surprised with how much energy I still had. I guess I was expecting to be exhausted or something. Hatori took out his stethoscope and a few other medical instruments I didn't recognize and told me to unbutton my shirt and sit down on the couch. I did as he asked and sat as still as possible while he looked me over.

"Thank you, Kyo," Hatori said when he was through. "Have you had any stomach pain?"

I re-buttoned my shirt. "No," I said. It was kind of true.

"Kyo…"

"Okay, _not really_." I glared at nothing and wondered for a minute where Yuki went.

"Have you coughed up blood?"

"No."

"Any blood in your st-"

"No, damnit."

Hatori nodded. "How are you feeling emotionally?"

"Just peachy…" I sighed. "Okay… no, not great. Shitty, actually." _As if you care._

"How so?"

I suddenly felt a tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach; a fluttering anxiety and I gnawed on my lip.

"Kyo? Is something troubling you?"

"I…" I shivered. The emotional upheaval of that afternoon was running through my mind. I knew I had to tell him what had happened, but I couldn't get the words to come out. I clutched at my stomach. _Where's Yuki? I need him…_

"Kyo?"

I looked up, it was Yuki's voice that called out to me that time and I was so relieved that I teared up. "C-can you help me?" I asked. "I… I can't say it."

Yuki walked over to Hatori. I looked down at my feet. "When I was walking home today, I came across Kyo in the forest. He… he was standing at the top of a cliff. H-he was going to… he…"

"That's alright, Yuki," Hatori said in his annoyingly impassive voice. "And you stopped him?"

Yuki must have nodded.

"Good," said Hatori. Hatori sat beside me. "Kyo," he said.

I didn't look at him.

"You may not believe me right now, but I'm very glad you didn't jump."

I stared at him then.

"I would have been sad if you'd jumped."

I gnawed on my lower lip.

"Can I trust you not to do something like that again?"

I shrugged. I didn't want to make him a promise like that. I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep it. I just felt so miserable all the time.

"Kyo?" he prompted. "If you can't promise to keep yourself safe, I'll have to take measures to keep you safe. You won't like them."

I didn't say anything for a while. "Just… don't lock me up, okay? I'm not crazy…"

"No, you're not crazy. But I will have to inform Shigure about the danger of leaving you alone and I'd prefer if you tried to avoid being by yourself." He turned to Yuki. "Can I ask you to try to keep Kyo company whenever possible?"

"Yes," said Yuki. I was shocked by how quickly he'd agreed. "I'll do that."

Hatori nodded. "Kyo," he said. "Will you promise to speak with someone if you feel overwhelmed again?"

I shrugged.

"I need you to promise."

"Alright!" I snapped. I stared down at my knees. "I promise…"

Hatori stood. "I'm going to speak with Shigure now." He left.

"Thank you," Yuki said after a few minutes of strained silence.

"For what?"

"For not jumping." He stood there, his arms crossed awkwardly across his chest. I was suddenly struck by how ungraceful he looked. It was seriously adorable.

I blushed. _Damnit, what a weird thing to think about another guy… oh shit… it's _that_ again. That _weirdness_ I sometimes feel around Hatsuharu._ I gnawed on my lip again. _Fuck. I'm such a freak._

"Kyo?"

I looked up at him and was sure my face turned even redder.

"Why are you blushing?"

"I'm not blushing!" My stomach did a weird flip-flopping thing when I looked at him and I suddenly had the strongest desire to do _really_ inappropriate things to him. _Grah, damn!_ "Go away."

"No." Yuki sat next to me. His proximity was making me uncomfortable. I could feel his body heat. I scooted away from him and my whole body cried out in rejection at the action. _Damnit, I just tried to kill myself. Now is not the time to be having these weird feelings._

_Is there a word for this?_

"Y-you're… you're making me nervous."

Yuki frowned. It was obvious that he was confused by my behavior._ That makes two of us, I guess._

"Go away!" I shouted.

"No," said Yuki.

"Guh!" I stood up and started up the stairs. I tensed when Yuki followed. "What're you…?"

"I can't leave you alone," Yuki explained.

"B-but-!"

"I'm home!" Tohru called from the door.

Yuki turned to her and smiled. "Welcome home, Honda-san," he greeted her. I was annoyed by how nonchalant he sounded. It was like nothing happened. _ It's like he didn't just save me from ending it all less than an hour ago… _I shivered at the thought.

_Damnit._ "Hi, Tohru," I said. "What's for dinner?"

"Ah! I'll get started on that right away." She grinned at me and headed for the kitchen. For the first time in a while, her grin filled me from head to foot with warmth.

"Are you going upstairs or staying down here?" Yuki asked.

"I have homework." I started up the stairs. Yuki followed. "Damnit! I'm just doing my homework, I swear!"

"I'll help."

I sighed. _ He's determined. Damnit. _"Do what you want."

In spite of what I said about doing homework, when I got in my room I flopped down on my bed, face-first and ignored Yuki when he sat next to me. We didn't talk; I just lay there with my face buried in my pillow and arms folded under my head while Yuki sat there. I listened to him breathe, the sound making me feel calm and comfortable until it finally lulled me to sleep.

"Kyo?" said Shigure. "Are you sure you don't want to stay home today?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'm _fine_."

Tohru looked up at me from her breakfast, frowning worriedly. "Did something happen, Kyo-kun?"

"No," I said. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" asked Yuki.

"Damnit! I said _I'm fine_!"

"Are you sure you're sure?" asked Shigure.

"That's it!" I grabbed my book bag and stomped out the door to wait on the porch. "Irritating…"

"We can't help being worried," said Yuki.

I jumped. I hadn't expected him to follow me. Quite frankly, I was annoyed. I knew he was doing it because Hatori told him not to leave me alone. But that didn't make it any less obnoxious. In fact, it annoyed me more that he was forced into it because it meant that he still didn't give a damn. In spite of how he'd acted the night before when he saw….

_No, don't think about that right now._

"Although, I suppose Shigure could be less obnoxious about it."

I clenched my fists.

"Try to relax, Kyo," said Yuki. I felt a chill run up my spine when he said my name. His voice was so soft and sultry. I shook my head. "I know it's difficult, but try."

I took a deep breath and unwound my tense muscles. "Are you going to be all nice to me now?"

Yuki was quiet for a while so I looked back at him. He had a pained look on his face. "I could try not to if you want."

I gaped at him. At that moment, though, Tohru walked out the door and we had to start heading for school.

I thought about what Yuki said, while I sat in class, how he could _try not _to be nice to me. Like it was _hard_ or something. I stared at the back of his head and nibbled on my pencil. I'd started using those when I exploded my pen in Chemistry. Or was it Calculus? I couldn't remember anymore.

Yuki cleared his throat and leaned back. Every muscle in my body tensed and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. He'd almost leaned into my arm. I jerked back out of reflex and Yuki frowned at me over his shoulder.

_Oh man, those eyes…_

I turned my attention back to our Chemistry teacher. He was demonstrating how Sodium reacted violently to water. He dropped a chunk of pure Sodium into a beaker and it spun around for a moment and then exploded. The whole class jumped and Yuki actually _did _bump my arm. The contact sent an electric current up my arm and into my chest. Before I could stop myself, I'd run my fingertips over the back of his neck. Yuki shivered and gave me a questioning look over his shoulder. I chewed on my pencil and shrugged.

I spent the rest of the hour trying not to reach out and touch him again.

My fingertips were still tingling when we were walking home that day. Tohru walked between us, talking excitedly about how Momiji was taking her on a date that weekend. Yuki smiled and responded politely. I stayed quiet, trying to quell the anxiety and depression that had been swirling in my stomach like a sickness the entire day.

"He's gotten so tall this last month!" Tohru exclaimed. A faint blush crossed her cheeks. "He's… really cute…"

"Yes," said Yuki. "I agree. Not my type though," he amended.

I stared at him. _Did he just seriously make a… comment about Momiji being attractive? _I was so busy staring at Yuki in disbelief that I didn't notice the tree in front of me until I'd already crashed into it. I sprang up. "Damn tree! I'll kill you."

I felt a hand grab the back of my head and yank me onto the path. "Ghua… lemme go!"

Yuki abruptly let go, laughing. "That sound you just made…" he laughed a bit harder. "I've never heard a person make that sound."

"I'll make _you_ make a sound…" I ground my teeth.

_**Yuki**_

Kyo's comment immediately made me fall quiet, it brought to mind several types of sounds that he might force out of me and it gave me the chills. _ I wonder how he'd feel if he knew how exciting that sounded._. He didn't seem to notice that I'd suddenly fallen silent and we continued home without further incident. I was glad, though. His energetic reaction made me feel slightly better. He still seemed to have a dark cloud over his head and I wanted him to start acting like himself again.

The three of us walked upstairs and Tohru went to her room to change out of her uniform. I followed Kyo into his bedroom. He stared at me. "I'm going to change," he said.

I raised my eyebrows at him.

He sighed. "I'm not going to _do_ anything."

I didn't leave.

Kyo growled and walked over to his closet. He pulled out a new outfit and started changing. I turned away to give him some privacy and only turned back when I heard him stomp over to his bed.

"You gonna wear your uniform all day?" he asked.

I shrugged and walked over to perch on the edge of his desk. He scowled and fiddled with the hem of his dark red shirt. I liked that shirt on him. He looked best in warm colors, particularly red. I didn't realize I'd been staring at his hands until he reached up and pulled me toward him by my tie. "What?" he asked.

I grasped his hand and pried it from my tie, then, I straightened up and smoothed the creases he'd made.

"This sucks," said Kyo.

"I agree," I said.

"Then go away! I didn't ask you to babysit me."

I rolled my eyes. _He's such an idiot sometimes._ "I meant that your attitude sucks. I wish you'd tell someone what's so horrible." I gnawed on my bottom lip. "I'm worried. Please tell someone what's wrong."

"Everything's wrong, okay! I hate everything."

I cringed. I hadn't expected him to explode like that.

"And it makes no goddamn sense! I'm miserable all the time because I can't blame you for what happened." He stared down at his knees. "And that means I have to take all the blame on myself."

"What happened?"

Kyo flopped backward on his bed. "Forget it."

I stood. I was clearly upsetting him. "Leave your door open," I said and then I left his room.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer: Why do I EVEN write this anymore?**_

_**Chapter Eight**_

_**Kyo**_

The next couple of days sucked. By the time the weekend rolled around and Tohru went on her date, I had a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that wouldn't go away. It wasn't the same kind of pain I'd felt when I started having ulcers so I wasn't about to bug Hatori about it. _Probably busy anyway._

I sighed and flopped face-down on my bed, not bothering to change out of my uniform first. Fridays used to be my favorite day of the week. It was the end of the school week and I usually went to the dojo but Hatori had warned me not to go there because it was too long a walk. I'd talked to Shishou on the phone earlier in the week. He seemed worried about my ulcers and offered to come see me. I snapped at him and yelled that it wasn't like I was a little kid and immediately felt bad about it.

I may not have been worried about my ulcers but I _was_ worried about the despair that was looming over my head. It had started two days before and had been growing ever since. The reason it started was so stupid too. I'd been complaining about how much homework I had to catch up on and Uotani made a comment about not killing myself over it and I'd had to walk out of the classroom to avoid screaming at her. Yuki had watched me leave and I was irrationally angry that he didn't follow me. It didn't occur to me until hours later that it would have looked weird for him to go after me when I was upset but that just made me sad. I knew that he still hated me and everything but I was still disappointed that he was too worried about how other people would react to him following me to help.

Anyway, I was lying on my bed, starting to feel overwhelmed. I cursed under my breath at the promise I'd made Hatori that I'd talk to someone about it if I felt that way. But I couldn't think of anyone who would care enough. Sure, Tohru would care, but she didn't know the situation and I wasn't about to bug her with it. Shigure could be a decent adult when he wanted to be but I couldn't see myself confiding in him. I really didn't want to risk having Hatori come and examine me, so I couldn't say anything to him about it either.

I really only had Yuki to talk to but I shuddered at the thought; there was just _no way_. I wished so hard that someone would appear and it would be okay to talk to them. And then, like someone had been listening to my wish, Hatsuharu walked in the room and sat down at my desk. I rolled over on my back and sat up, looking at him. He tilted his head at me. "What's wrong?"

I suddenly had the overwhelming feeling that every moment of sadness and every stabbing pain of anxiety wanted to rush from my body all at once. I bit down on my lip, nearly hard enough to draw blood, to keep myself from crying.

"I came to see how you were. I heard Sensei talking to Hatori-nii about how he was worried about you. Did something happen?"

"You mean something like almost jumping off a cliff?" I muttered.

Haru touched my shoulder. "Yeah," he said. "Something like that."

I shuddered, still holding back tears. Haru leaned over and pulled me into an awkward hug, still half sitting at my desk. "It's okay, Yuki stopped me," I muttered.

It occurred to me a moment later that Haru was crying. He was shuddering with silent sobs. It was weirdly comforting. It was almost like he was crying so I wouldn't have to. And I have to admit that I enjoyed the contact. It was hard for me to forget my first male crush and I could easily see myself falling for him again.

"Don't do it," Haru said. "Please." He tightened his grip on me. His shaking had stopped and his tears weren't hitting my shoulder as often.

"I'm glad you're here," I said. "I needed someone to talk to."

Haru leaned away from me, back into the chair and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his jean jacket. "Nn… what do you need to talk about?" he asked.

_I don't know how to start…_ "Well… I guess…. I think I'm depressed." I scratched the back of my neck. _Great. That's really specific._

Haru nodded.

"I just feel like I'm worthless or something and I have these feelings…"

Haru tugged on my sleeve. "What kind?"

"Is it okay…" I paused. "I mean, for a guy to… like another guy… _that way_?"

"What way?" Haru asked. "Sexually?"

I flushed and looked down at my knees. "Yeah… Uhm… but not all the time."

"Not all the time?"

"I-I mean, I like both. Girls and guys."

"Oh. So, you're bi…" Haru grinned. "Me too."

"Bye?"

"Bisexual. You like both."

"Yeah… I didn't know there was a word for it. I thought… I was the only one."

Haru chuckled. "Yeah, but you're not. Is that all that's bugging you?"

I stared at my knees. "I think I might… have a thing for Yuki."

Haru was silent for a minute. "Yeah, I guess you would."

"Huh?" I stared at him.

"Yuki's… Yuki. I can see how you'd fall for him." He smirked. "I guess that means your type is feminine."

"Huh?"

"I think Yuki likes manlier types." Haru looked me up and down; it made me feel weird. He nodded. "Yeah... uh huh…"

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

Haru just shrugged. "One of life's great mysteries. I don't really have a type." Haru stared off into the distance. "Well, I guess that's not true. You and Yuki have a few things in common. Strength, stubbornness…" he looked at me. "Inner beauty." He smiled. "Nice bodies…"

I felt my cheeks get hot. "Damnit. You shouldn't say stuff like that."

"Why?" Haru leaned close to me. "Does it excite you?"

"Hell no, brat! It's… rude."

Haru chuckled. "I gotta go talk to Yuki." He walked to my door, glanced at me for a moment, and then walked out, leaving the door open.

_**Yuki**_

I jumped at the feeling of being hugged behind and soft hair brushing against my cheek. I was so startled that I dropped my pen on my desk and let out a gasp. "H-Haru?" I asked.

Haru nuzzled my cheek. "Yes?" he asked.

"You aren't 'Black' by any chance, are you?"

Haru released me and sat down on my bed. "I'm offended," he said.

I waited for him to continue the statement. I sighed when it became clear that he wasn't going to. "By what?" I asked.

Haru blinked at me. "You think I only show you affection when I go Black."

I shook my head. "Haru-"

"Be careful, okay," he said, standing.

"Careful of what?"

Haru smiled sadly. "Be careful of Kyo. He's fragile right now. I think your kindness might make it worse if you don't really mean it."

I bristled at that. Yet again, Haru managed to strike a nerve. He had a jarring ability to hit right on the truth in spite of his oblivious exterior. "I'm not being falsely kind."

Haru frowned. "It might be better not to change your behavior at all."

"That _had_ occurred to me, believe it or not."

"You don't have to be angry," said Haru. "It's just one option. But if you're being kind and you mean it, then… I guess that's probably good for both of you."

"Haru…"

"You guys could be really close friends if you stopped hating each other. I think it might be easier than you realize."

I sighed.

"You should give it a chance. Right now, while Kyo's likely to cling to any kind of stability and kindness, you should try to tear down that wall."

Haru left without another word. I was trembling. The thought of being friends with Kyo was both terrifying and intriguing. It bothered me slightly that Haru had suggested I take advantage of Kyo's vulnerability. However, I knew that I wouldn't get such a golden opportunity again and if I indeed wanted to have a relationship with Kyo, now would be the time to set things in motion.

I gathered my courage throughout the evening and finally had enough to approach Kyo. He was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He'd left his door open. I noticed that he hadn't closed it since the day I'd asked him not to. I cleared my throat. "May I come in?" I asked.

Kyo shrugged.

I sat beside him on the bed but he didn't bother to sit up. I was having difficulty collecting my thoughts. I wasn't sure how to begin the conversation. I decided to start casually. "How are you?" I asked.

Kyo shrugged again. "More or less…" he muttered.

"More or less, what?"

Kyo sat up. "You ever get the feeling that everything really _sucks_?"

I frowned. "Sometimes."

"But it always goes away for you, right?"

"Yes, I suppose."

Kyo stared up at the ceiling but I could tell he didn't really see it. "It doesn't go away for me. I think I'm being killed by it."

What he was saying frightened me. Hearing him talk like that forced the memory of him standing at the edge of the cliff to the forefront of my thoughts and filled me with utter despair. "I'm glad you're confiding in me."

Kyo looked at me. "Can I be honest?"

"I'd prefer your honesty."

"I don't give a shit right now about anything. I really don't. So it's not like I care if I tell you how I feel. It doesn't matter either way."

"It matters to me!" I shouted. I felt my face get hot and regretted my sudden outburst. I took a deep calming breath. "It… matters to me."

"I don't care about _that_ either," said Kyo.

His words stung. I tried to tell myself that if he was in the right mind, he wouldn't have said that but I knew that he would. Or he'd be angry that I cared. In fact, it seemed likely that this was the more tame response. If I should tell him that his feelings mattered to me when he was in his normal state, he'd likely reject me with his entire being. And that was what hurt.

"Don't take it the wrong way," said Kyo. "I'd feel the same way if _anyone_ said that." He rubbed his eyes with both hands. "Except Tohru. I'd feel guilty too."

I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my head on them. "I suppose it's comforting to know that this isn't treatment you reserve only for your most loathed enemy."

"You're an idiot," Kyo muttered.

I glared at him. _The gall!_

"I just told you I don't give a fuck about anything. Why doesn't that… freak you out or something?"

"I'm worried. Trust me. You have no idea how worried I am. It's frightening to hear you talk as if your life is just one huge damaged hellhole. Because I know how that feels. It hurts me because I recognize that level of despair."

"There's no way you know how this feels." Kyo's tone was dark. "You don't know what I've done. You don't know the sins I carry."

"What on earth could _possibly_ be worth killing yourself over?"

"It's my fault! I'm the reason they died. ME!" Kyo started breathing heavily. "And every time I look at her, I think about it. And every time I look at myself in the mirror, I want to scream because of how much I resemble her. Every time I look in the fucking mirror I notice stuff like how my eyes are the same shape as hers were and how I have her nose and her ears. Can you even _imagine _how much it hurts to look like someone who killed herself over giving birth to you?"

The whole time he was ranting, I felt cold daggers stabbing me in the chest. I was only half sure I understood him but parts of his story didn't match.

"And… Tohru's mom… she wouldn't have died. If I… I had only reached out and held her back, she'd still be alive and I wouldn't have to look at Tohru and feel guilty."

"Kyo, did you _know_ Kyoko-san?"

Kyo gnawed on his lip. "Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to talk to her and… I got mad at her one day and never went back. But I saw her on the street and I saw the car speeding. I knew it would hit her and I had to just hold her back and she'd be okay. But I didn't. I did the selfish thing and let her die because I didn't want anyone to see me transform and know I was a freak."

I was stunned.

"And she lay there, bleeding. She looked right at me and I knew she knew who I was. And she said 'I won't forgive you.'"

It matched up. He vanished into the mountains in May that year and returned four months later. It stood to reason that he went to the mountains right after the accident. Which meant he wasn't training at all. "That wasn't your fault, Kyo," I said.

Kyo looked at me. "I don't believe you."

"That's because you're too caught up in your own mess that you can't see the facts for what they are. What happened to your mother… you were far too young to have any sort of influence over that. Did you think you could stop her?"

"No."

"Then why do you blame yourself?"

"She died because I'm a monster."

"You are _not a monster!_"

Kyo jumped. I knew I was upsetting him but it was important to me that he understood this. "You are _not_ a monster, Kyo. You transform into a hideous beast but that _isn't_ you. That's the curse. Don't interrupt me!" I saw that he'd opened his mouth to object. "You are _possessed_ by the spirit of the cat. You are _not_ the spirit of the cat. You are a person with your own soul who is possessed by an angry spirit. As for what happened to Tohru's mother, I'm sure that I would have done the same thing."

"No you wouldn't!"

"Don't be so certain. I used to be so paralyzed by the fear of other people finding out about my curse that I isolated myself from other people. The girls at our school who idolize me… they don't know what I'm really like. They wouldn't love me if they did."

"I'm sure they'd still love you," Kyo muttered. He clutched his hair. "How could they _not_? You're so perfect and beautiful. Compared to me you're-"

"Dull and uninteresting. I can't hold a candle to you, Kyo." I sighed. It was sad, but it was true. Kyo was far more vibrant and full of life than I. His personality outshone even the brightest of lights. I admired how he could express his emotions so freely and laugh in front of other people like it was the easiest thing in the world. I truly envied him. And I hated myself for it. In spite of the way I idolized and strove to be like Kyo, I still treated him harshly.

"You're not _dull_. You're just… shy."

"What does it matter to you?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "I thought you didn't care about anything right now."

Kyo scowled. "Maybe if I make myself care about you, it won't hurt so much. Even if it's just a little while."

I stared at him, wringing my hands with anxiety. He couldn't really mean that caring about me would ease his pain. Could he? "If… if you could give me the pain so I would bear it instead, I would gladly take it from you. A life without you… a world without Kyo is… too dark."

"I wouldn't wish this on _anyone_," said Kyo.

_How do I make him believe me? _ I stared at Kyo; his posture was limp and eyes downturned. He was devastatingly beautiful. Kyo held the type of tragic beauty that I couldn't look away from. However, I missed seeing him laugh and get angry. I missed how he would lose his temper and shout. This lifeless, pale shell was not Kyo.

His sadness was making me sick.

_**Kyo**_

I sighed, a crushing wave of sadness smashing into me. I got like that a lot nowadays. I was still moody and I'd get pissed off a lot at Yuki for stopping me from jumping. Thinking about it again forced the angry feelings back up to the surface. "Y'know, if you were going to be such an ass, you should have just let me jump."

"How am I being an ass?" asked Yuki. He looked surprised and slightly upset.

"I don't get why you won't leave me alone!" I shouted. "You're face pisses me off. I can't stand to look at you. It makes me sick." I was snarling and growling and my words were harsh. I was lashing out at Yuki because it was easy. Screaming at him always used to be how I got rid of my frustration but for some reason, it felt wrong this time.

Yuki stared at me for a moment. "Why do you think I stopped you from jumping?" he asked

I shrugged. "So you could show everyone what a great person you are? So everyone would praise you and think I'm pathetic?"

"No!" Yuki shouted. "I stopped you because I _want you here_! Don't you understand? I..." Yuki stood up. "I can't stand this anymore. Just… don't die. Because it would kill me if you were gone." Yuki stomped out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

His sudden outburst shocked me. I had expected him to be pissed off but I didn't expect him to seriously say he wanted me alive.

I groaned and fell back against the pillows. _Why does he want me here? Doesn't he understand how hard this is?_

_I can't look at him anymore. I can't die if I know it'll make him sad because I don't ever want him to cry. If I thought my death would make him happy I would have jumped._

_Because the truth is, I love him more than anything._ I pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes. I'd been trying to fight that thought for days, probably weeks or even months (maybe years, who knows?) but it finally crashed into my brain like a speeding train. I knew it was true and it was killing me.

I didn't care that it didn't make sense. Actually, the fact that it didn't make sense only made it hurt even more. But there was something deep down inside of me that was screaming that I loved him and it cried out in rejection every time I told him I hated him or called him "damn rat" or did anything mean at all. And the voice got louder and louder until the day I stood at the edge of the cliff, about to jump. And it suddenly whispered "I love him."

_So now what? I just have to keep on living because if I die then Yuki will be sad? I have to stay alive for someone even though I know he'll never feel the same way about me?_ I didn't know if I was strong enough for that. I could only try.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Fandom isn't mine. It's fanfiction.**_

_**I forgot I was writing this. Can you guys believe it? Took four months to remember! UGH I'm sorry guys. Here's…**_

_**Chapter Nine**_

_**Yuki**_

Tears were stinging at my eyes and I didn't bother to wipe them away. I felt pain deep in my bones and it was seeping through my blood like an infection. For a fleeting moment, I understood what Kyo felt like when he'd wanted to die. Thankfully, it was a short moment and was easily crushed and discarded. I was stronger than that. I had plenty to live for. I wasn't about to throw it all away just because of something that inept feline said.

I sank to my bed, scrubbing away at the tears in my eyes. I was getting fed up with Kyo's attitude but at the same time, I finally started to wonder just _why_ Kyo felt so desperate to escape. I knew that other cursed Cats had committed suicide but I didn't think that Kyo was so weak.

_Maybe there's more to it than that,_ I thought. _Maybe it's not simply weakness but something deeper within the curse._ It occurred to me that Kyo hadn't looked at all happy for months. I hadn't paid much attention to it as I really couldn't care less about Kyo's feelings back then.

What struck me was how bizarre he'd been acting ever since I stopped him from jumping. He'd been having mood swings before the incident at the cliff but they were far more pronounced and rapid now. His temper was just as violent but he hadn't attempted to start a physical fight with me. I knew, of course, that having ulcers meant picking fights would be far more dangerous than usual, but Kyo didn't seem to hold his wellbeing in any kind of regard nowadays.

I was confused. Why was Kyo acting so different? What was the real reason behind his suicidal gesture? And how am I involved?

I wanted to know the answers to all those questions and more that I could not yet unlock from my mind. I knew there was something deeper there, something beyond the surface of the cat and rat hatred. Something about Kyo's anger seemed more sad than hateful.

I was bound and determined to figure it out.

* * *

The following week, I stayed in my room doing as much of my homework as I could to quell the anxious feelings swirling around in my stomach. I had to keep busy because if I didn't, my mind would wander down the hall. When I'd walked by Kyo's room an hour prior, his door had been closed and it hadn't sat right with me since I saw it. I kept half standing up from my desk before deciding to leave him be. He'd already promised to speak to someone and I was sure I'd hear something if he did anything drastic. But the more I listened, the more the silence felt emptier than usual. It was as if the lack of sound was confirmation that something dreadful was about to happen.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I stood and walked down the hall.

I promised myself that I would only listen at the door for sounds of movement or breathing to reassure myself and then I'd walk back down the hall and be done with the whole nonsense but when I didn't hear a single peep coming from Kyo's room, I got anxious.

I rapped on the door with my right hand and waited for Kyo to respond. I heard some sort of muttering reply, either "go away" or "who is it?" but I couldn't be sure. I grasped the doorknob and took a deep breath. I tried to relax my face into an expressionless mask before I opened the door.

Kyo didn't look up at me when I walked in. In fact, he made no move to acknowledge my presence whatsoever. He stayed still, lying on his bed, gaze turned sightlessly to the ceiling.

"Kyo?" I said. I thought I saw a slight twitch, but I could have imagined it. "Are you alright?"

Kyo half shrugged his left shoulder but continued to stare at the ceiling.

"Kyo, you're scaring me."

He shrugged again.

I sighed and sat beside him on his bed, leaning over him so my face would be in the way of his line of vision. He didn't flinch; just kept staring at me without really seeing.

"You're scaring me," I repeated. "What's going on in your head right now?"

Kyo grunted.

I felt a sharp jolt of desperation. I needed to get him to talk to me. "Please, tell me?" I begged. I was beyond worrying about my pride at the moment. I just needed to get some sort of response.

"Nothing," said Kyo.

I scoffed. "If it's nothing, you wouldn't be staring like that."

"I mean… I don't feel _anything_."

Panic rushed stabbed me in the heart. "Nothing at all?"

Kyo shrugged.

I grabbed him by the shoulders and yanked him upward, staring deeply into that expressionless face. It was all wrong. Kyo is supposed to be full of vibrancy and life. He shouldn't be staring like that without an expression. His eyes should be lit up with some sort of passionate emotion, not staring straight ahead, not really seeing what they're looking at.

"I guess… I feel something," he said. His eyes suddenly focusing on me.

"Oh?" I should have been relieved but it was somehow scarier for him to feel something than nothing.

Kyo nodded. "I feel you."

"Kyo, what-?"

"Can you just pretend for me?" he asked. He reached up and touched my back. "Can you pretend you don't hate me for a few minutes? Just a little bit, okay?"

"What are you talking about?"

Kyo slowly wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in the crook of my neck. "Just pretend not to hate me… just for a little while so… so I can feel something again."

I held him tight. "I don't hate you," I said. "I don't. I really don't." I squeezed harder, my nose stinging with tears and my heart clenched painfully against the despair coming off of him in waves. "I mean it; I'm not pretending."

Kyo shuddered. "Thanks," he said. "It'd be easier to hate you if you weren't such a nice person."

"I don't understand."

Kyo nuzzled my neck with his nose, sending a chill down my spine. "I can't hate you because you're nice. You have every right to hate me and even though you really _hate_ me, you can pretend not to because you're nice."

"No I'm not pretending, Kyo!" I grasped him by the shoulders and pushed him away to look in his eyes. The expressionless mask fell away to reveal a hardened look of agony.

"It's okay."

"Kyo…"

"You're making everything hard." He stared down at his lap and I saw tears hit his knees. "You should just let me die. Please, just let me die. It hurts so much. I just want to die."

"Kyo, please. Don't talk that way."

"I can't stand it. I don't want to live because you hate me. So just let me go."

"Damnit, listen to me! I don't hate you! I want to be your friend!"

Kyo stared at me, shock in his eyes instead of pain. "What? Y-you what?"

"I... I just want to be your friend." I was shaking, anxiety and fear were coursing through my body but I knew I had to tell him the truth now; Kyo's life depended on it. "I always wanted to be your friend. Ever since we were little and I saw you on the sidewalk. I just wanted to tell you that your hair was really pretty. You were my first crush, Kyo. I wanted to get to know you and be your friend. I envied you. I wanted to be just like you. In fact, I think I might have… I might have l-…" I couldn't continue.

"Are you _fucking kidding me?_" asked Kyo.

I was scared now. He was clearly angry or laughing at me. I wasn't sure which.

"D-do you… do you still want to be my friend?" Kyo asked.

I looked up at him, in shock by how uncertain he sounded. At first, I wasn't sure if I _did_ want to be his friend. A moment later, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did _not_ want to be his friend. I wanted to be so much more. "Yes," I lied because it was the only real way I could get my feelings across. "I do very much."

I knew I could probably never have him for what I wanted him to be. I felt that fleeting crush from childhood that I had thought I'd been rid of, crash over me. I knew with every fiber of my being that if I got the chance, I would have Kyo for my own.

But I'd settle for friendship. If that was all I could have, I'd savor it.

_Oh but, God I want him to be mine._

* * *

_In this dream, I'm flying. I'm not sure where I'm headed and not really sure I care either. The road below me and the sky above me are shimmering with unspoken promises of ages passed. I'm floating along above rivers and lakes, further and further away from what I can only guess is danger or confinement. The air tastes wonderful; it's as if it has recently rained and the heavens were cleaner._

_The feeling of freedom lifted my soul and I took flight ever higher._

_When I reached my destination, I saw a long corridor. As I walked down, I saw paintings. On one side, former cursed rats were laughing jovially and pointing across the hall. They each pointed to a cursed cat, their faces contorted in agony and occasionally bleeding to death._

_I shivered and picked up my pace. At the end of the hallway, a beautiful golden light was signaling the end of a dangerous and unfair journey. I knew that once I reached that miraculous glow, I'd be free to forge my own destiny and leave the cursed existence behind._

_The image of a person became clear in the light. As I drew nearer, comprehension dawned and I recognized the face of Kyo. My heart skipped a beat and I felt euphoria seeping into my pores. Every breath I took filled my blood with a sense of intense happiness and longing. _

_I reached out to Kyo and he grasped my hands. "From now on," he said. "We're starting over. We'll break that old promise and forget all about it. From now on, you and I are free from a promise we never really made and we can begin to heal a broken bond."_

_I fell into his arms and wept for joy. The feeling blooming in my chest was indescribable. I imagined that it was a deep, unwavering love; it was more than that. This was the feeling of being bound to one person; the unshakable knowledge that this was my soul mate and his heart was my home._

* * *

The next day, things were far more normal than I'd expected. Kyo still seemed a bit out of it, but he was otherwise more himself than I'd seen in weeks. He even seemed genuinely happy when Tohru complimented his appearance. I hid a scowl of jealousy that she'd managed to make him smile with such ease.

Then he looked at me and his smile turned slightly shy. "Yuki looks good, too, huh?" said Kyo.

Tohru flushed but it was nothing compared to the blush that crossed my face. I turned away from him and faced the path, trying, and failing to keep an embarrassed smile from my lips.

"O-of course!" Tohru chimed. She giggled. "Yuki-kun looks nice this morning too."

"Thank you, Honda-san," I said. I cleared my throat and we continued our walk up the path. Tohru babbled happily to Kyo about something and he responded in his usual way; attentive but short responses. I remained quiet the rest of the walk to school, wondering again and again why Kyo had pointed out that I looked good.

When I reached first hour, I decided not to ponder it further and instead be thankful that he'd complimented me at all. I'd have to keep small words and displays of affection locked deep in my heart to keep me company. I realized that Kyo would never return my feelings but if I remembered his compliments, I could hold them close and let them fill me with happiness.

Every once in a while, I would glance at him during school and he shot me a grin. Each time, my heart would skip a beat or two and my stomach would flutter. I wondered if it was possible for him to have any idea what he was doing to me.

Right before lunch, as I was heading over to Tohru's desk to eat –it was nearing the end of December and thus, far too cold to eat outside- Kyo surprised me by falling in step and even sitting beside me to begin eating.

"Hey, orange-y!" said Ou. "You seem pretty happy today…"

Kyo just shrugged and started eating from the bento Tohru had packed him that morning. "It's a good day," he said.

"Great to have you back," she said. "I was worried there for a minute. Thought I'd have to pound your senses back."

Kyo rolled his eyes.

"Yes," Hana agreed. "His waves seem to be far happier and less naïve. I'm glad for whatever brought on the change." She glanced at me and smiled as if she knew something but didn't elaborate.

"Yes!" said Tohru. "I'm so glad that Kyo is back to his old self."

Kyo blushed slightly but didn't say anything.

The three girls started a conversation about shopping or something equally as feminine and I fell silent, content to just eat my lunch and steal glances at Kyo every so often.

_**Kyo**_

Flirting was a lot harder than I thought. I complimented Yuki that morning to see how he'd react but he didn't even say thanks. Then, I kept smiling at him but he didn't seem to understand and he started acting all nervous instead. I just wish I knew how to flirt. It would make the whole thing a lot easier.

I wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not to try and get Yuki to like me. But I kind of wanted to see what he'd do if I flirted with him. I didn't have the first clue how to do it though and I was getting frustrated. I'd read books and stuff where guys and girls flirted with each other and tried to run through the conversations in my head.

Tohru told us she was spending the night at Wave Girl's house because the next day was the beginning of break. Somehow, I'd forgotten all about the New Year coming up and I groaned inwardly when she mentioned it.

Anyway, so that gave me the perfect opportunity to try flirting with Yuki again on our way home. He was quiet when we reached the forest so I decided to try another compliment. "Y'know, I really like your hair," I said. I realized right away that it was a stupid thing to say and hoped Yuki wouldn't tease me for it.

"What?" said Yuki. He seemed distracted.

"I… I like your haircut," I said.

"Oh, thanks…" he muttered.

I chewed on my lower lip. "Uh… do you wanna do something later?" I asked.

"Like what?" he asked. He glanced over at me for a quick second but looked away really quickly.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Tohru won't be making dinner tonight so I just thought that we could go get something?"

"Me, you and Shigure?"

I frowned. "No, just… you and me."

Yuki froze in his tracks and turned to stare at me. I stopped and looked down at my feet. "Are you asking me on a date?" he asked.

"Uh… not if you don't want me to!" I said. "I just… I just thought if you, you know… maybe?"

Yuki was quiet for another few seconds but soon started laughing. "Oh, Kyo… that's just… I thought you just wanted to be _friends_."

I stomped off. "You didn't have to laugh at me about it!" I snarled.

Yuki hurriedly caught up with me and grabbed me by the arm. I yanked it out of his grip and started walking away. "I don't want to be just friends either," he said.

I stopped and turned around. "Huh?"

"I like you, Kyo…"

My heart stuttered to a halt. "R-really?" I was so happy I could puke. But I decided it would probably be a bad idea.

"Really," said Yuki.

_Holishit!_

I couldn't believe it! I'd decided to flirt with him the night before just for fun. I didn't think he'd respond. I was feeling so much better when I woke up that morning that it made it easier to be nice to him.

"Kyo?"

"Hnn?" I looked at him. He was smiling really happily.

"I would love to go on a date with you." He shyly touched my hand and I felt a million butterflies erupt in my stomach. I wanted to laugh, or cry or something. Or… I looked into Yuki's penetrating violet gaze. _Or maybe I should kiss him…_

As soon as I thought that, I felt myself drifting toward Yuki. Yuki froze as I brought my face closer to his. My nose brushed against his cheek and I could feel his hot breath ghosting across my face in short pants. I brought my hand up to rest on his shoulder and pulled him toward me slightly before brushing my lips across the corner of his mouth. Yuki's breath hitched, but he didn't pull away. In fact, he turned his head toward me slightly so when I leaned forward my lips were pressed firmly to his.

_**Yuki**_

Kyo was kissing me. I was kissing Kyo. Kyo and I were _kissing_. The feeling that erupted in my chest was akin to what I imagined whenever I read romantic novels when a person has their first kiss. That's when I realized, this _was_ my first kiss and I was unsure of whether or not I was doing it properly. Kyo's hands were resting on my shoulders and I realized as I kissed him back that I should probably be touching him too so I let my hands rest on his waist. When he pulled away, he wasn't meeting my gaze and he had the most adorable flush to his cheeks.

I wanted to kiss him again.

"I guess we should go home and change…" Kyo muttered before releasing me. "Can't go on a date in our uniforms, right?"

I let my hands fall to my sides and returned his bashful grin with a smile of my own. "No, I don't suppose we should."

Kyo grasped my hand and gave it a brief squeeze before releasing it rather quickly. I sighed happily as we walked, excited that I was going to go on my first _real_ date.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Furuba. I wish I did!**_

_**Ahhh, you guys didn't think everything was just going to start being happy-go-lucky did you? Sorry…**_

_**Chapter 10**_

_**Kyo**_

I got home in an awesome mood because I was going on a date with _Yuki_, something I never would have believed in a million years could ever happen. And then I walked in the door and my good mood went right out the window because Hatori was there with his damn doctor bag and his damn blood-drawing shit and his damn impassive fucking look.

Yuki just walked up the stairs without even saying 'boo' and I had to deal with that damn dragon on my own. That was great.

"Hello, Kyo-kun," Hatori said in that same stupid apathetic voice.

I snarled at him and sat down. "Before you ask, no, I'm not coughing up blood and I don't have any in my crap and my stomach is _fine_ and my mood is _fine_." I wanted to shout at him to leave and that I didn't want him taking my blood.

"You seem angry."

"I don't wanna be examined." But I held out my arm for his blood-pressure cuff anyway and stayed silent even when he started drawing my blood. For some reason, that little prick in my arm made my anger dissipate slightly. It was weird but I tried not to think about it too much.

After taking four fucking vials of blood and pestering me about my mood, Hatori said the _last_ thing I wanted to hear. "Try to be aware of your moods. If you start feeling better too quickly, that doesn't necessarily mean you're okay. One doesn't just fail a suicide attempt and suddenly feel better."

I could tell that Hatori was trying to be helpful but he sucked at it. "Is that all or are you gonna tell me I'm probably going to try to kill myself again?" I snapped. "Because you're pissing me off."

An unnatural look crossed Hatori's face. Like what I'd just said was upsetting or something but I didn't understand why. It didn't make sense that anyone would be so worried about the stupid cat. The monster-

Oh.

Okay, he was right, those thoughts hadn't gone away completely. I hated it when people were right about stuff like that.

"It is possible, Kyo-kun." Hatori sighed the way adults do when they have something bad on their mind but I didn't give a damn. What did he know anyway? Him and his stupid doctor degree. He was too damn young to be a doctor anyway. I hated him and his degree and his stupid doctor stuff and stupid pity. He was stupid. "Please promise to speak to someone if you feel that way again."

"I already did," I snapped.

"Promise again."

"Okay, okay, I promise now get off my fucking back." I turned and stormed from the room, not giving Yuki another look as I passed him in the hall on my way to my bedroom before slamming the door.

_**Yuki**_

That was… odd. I hadn't expected Hatori's presence to put such a damper on Kyo's good mood so quickly. When I descended to the living room with the intention of questioning Hatori about the cat's sudden shift in mood, I found that the dragon was already in Shigure's office, apparently discussing something of great importance so I headed back up the stairs to confront Kyo.

_Why are you sulking_? Would normally have been my response to Kyo stomping around and being generally intolerable but I merely knocked at his partially open door, surprised when he muttered "c'min" but didn't otherwise acknowledge my presence when I sat beside him on his bed.

Then he turned away from me, facing the wall. "Kyo… did something Hatori said upset you?"

Kyo's posture stiffened but he said nothing.

"If you need to ta-"

"What the hell does he know anyway? He can't get into my head. Why the fuck does he think he's gotta be so high and mighty? Telling me how _I_ feel and… knows. How does he know…?" The last question was so soft, I could barely hear it.

I lay down beside Kyo and draped an arm over him, loosely holding the cursed cat. "Kyo… I think it will take a great deal of time to feel okay again. Hatori just wants to help you."

Surprisingly, Kyo didn't move away, he simply turned in my arms and we were chest to chest, nose to nose. The look in his eyes took my breath away. His eyes were filled with such sadness and longing. I closed my eyes, I couldn't breathe if I looked at him.

Then he stole my breath once again. This time with a kiss.

My mind emptied of all thoughts. Everything was the sound of Kyo's breath as he kissed me, his heart hammering against my chest and his soft, awkward kiss on my lips.

I wondered briefly if I loved him before my thoughts were taken by his arm snaking around me

When he pulled away and I opened my eyes, Kyo had a light flush across his cheeks and he was averting his gaze. "If you wanna hit me, go ahead."

"No. I don't want to." That was the _last _thing I wanted. The first was to kiss Kyo again. But I refrained. Kyo's face was pinched with pain. I'd never seen him looking like he wanted nothing more than to cry.

I decided to spare his pride. I gave him a light kiss on the forehead then pulled away. "I need to finish some homework. We can talk later if you like."

Kyo just nodded and I smiled before leaving the room.

_**Kyo**_

I kissed Yuki.

I kissed him.

And he kissed back.

And he wasn't angry.

Holy. Shit.

Okay. Those were all _good_ things right? I mean, it couldn't have been bad. It felt amazing and even though he was another _boy_ and my goddamn cousin and the rat-

Well, he wasn't really the rat to me anymore. He was just _Yuki_. And he had to be at least a little bit attracted to me or he wouldn't have kissed back, right? I was filled with a panicky sort of tension, a fear that he was screwing with me. After all, what kind of person loved a monster? Another monster. That's what Akito would say.

I sat up real fast at that thought. I didn't to think about Akito. Even though he was all I could think about. He'd kill me or lock me up or _both_ if he knew I kissed Yuki (_twice, _that was the _second time_). If he knew how I felt about Yuki. I'd be dead.

I was in the bathroom, splashing water in my face before I realized. When I looked up at my own reflection, I was pissed. I didn't know where all the anger came from and I was only half aware when I threw a punch at the mirror, shattering the glass and imbedding some of it in my fist.

It felt oddly good. Like the pain and fear and anger melted away with the pain of my hand being cut up. I guess I shouldn't have been so shocked when Shigure walked into the room, looking all pale and shit, like he couldn't stand the blood.

Or maybe he was worried.

"I'm calling Hatori." Shigure turned around before I could object and I was left with my hand and arm bleeding freely into the sink. Not that I did anything to stop it. I stared at the blood and watched it drip down into the sink. I didn't even notice Yuki until I heard him sigh.

"Kyo…"

Then I realized it wasn't a _sigh_ so much as gasp of pain or something. "What?"

"…are you going to react this way every time I kiss you?" I felt his fingertips brush against the back of my neck and my skin prickled where he touched me. But he was gone pretty quick. Way before Hatori arrived and I could see his sad look in one of the pieces of the mirror that hadn't come off the medicine cabinet totally.

"You promised you would speak to someone if you felt this way."

I whirled around and glared at him. What was his problem? He should just leave me be already! "I didn't try to kill myself!" I was still a little freaked out by that kiss and what Yuki had said. I just couldn't get my head on straight.

"Self harm is another thing I would rather you spoke to myself or Shigure about." He kept looking all _sad_ and it just made me angry.

I glowered at him while he cleaned up my hand and fist. I didn't say a damn word until he was done rubbing antiseptic or something over the cuts and wrapped my hand with gauze. It looked pretty fucking pathetic. "You are lucky none of these were deep."

"Well maybe I wanted them to be."

Hatori looked like he was stressed out. I was scared he was going to hug me or something. "If this behavior and mood continues, I will have to-"

"I ain't bein' locked up! You can just forget it. If I wanted to be in a cage, I'd ask Akito to throw me in one right now."

"Kyo-"

"Fuck you!" I turned on my heel, shaking with rage and headed up to the roof. I didn't come down even when the sun was setting and I began to wonder whether or not it the roof was high enough to kill me if I jumped

_**Yuki**_

It took longer than it should have to realize that Kyo had no intention of leaving the rooftop. I could hardly scale the side of the building the way Kyo could so I located a ladder and took that from the balcony. Kyo had his eyes closed but his posture indicated he was not sleeping. I wondered how long he'd been lying in that pose, tensed shoulders and clenched fist. I could hardly believe he could bare all that tension. He didn't even flinch when I sat beside him.

We remained silent for a long time while I contemplated holding Kyo's hand. Something stopped me. I kissed him and his reaction had been to throw his fist into a mirror. I eyed the gauze and the dried blood dotting it. "Perhaps you ought to change the bandage."

"Fuck off."

I flinched. Kyo's voice sounded oddly venomous. Earlier we had kissed. Prior to that, he had asked me on a date. So what was this sudden shift in his behavior toward me? "Kyo, is something wr-"

"I don't need your pity." Kyo sat up, eyes flashing with anger. I had seen that expression turned toward me many times in the past without so much as flinching. Seeing it now, however, made me feel like he'd stabbed me right in the heart. "I don't need _anything_ from you! Or anyone else! Stay the hell away from me!"

I stood, feeling a sharp pain in my heart as though he really _had_ stabbed me and was twisting the knife. "I should have realized you were only playing with me." I turned, shoulders hunched. "As if there could ever be anything other than hatred between us." He had hurt me. I wanted to hurt him back, pull the knife out of my heart and plunge it through his. But that was all I could think to say. I climbed down the ladder and headed back to my bedroom. I didn't scream or shout or break things. I simply sat at my desk and wrote my homework with a shaking hand.

_**Kyo**_

I don't know what the hell came over me. When Yuki sat next to me, all I wanted to do was hug him and cry into his shoulder. And then he mentioned the bandage. He was all worried and shit and what did I do? I snapped at him instead of being thankful that he cared. I was an idiot again. I yelled at him and now he was mad at me.

What was wrong with me? Why did I keep trying to wreck stuff when I knew it would make me happy?

That was it, wasn't it? Monsters like me don't deserve to be happy. I stood up and gazed down over the edge of the roof, wondering again if it would kill me if I jumped. I wasn't stupid. I knew it wasn't high enough. So I didn't jump just then. But if I thought it would kill me, I would have. I was just going to keep ruining things. I almost had something with Yuki but I crushed that before I could even let it start.

I knew I should talk to someone. I promised Hatori I would. But I couldn't talk to Yuki. I'd just screamed at the guy. He'd probably tell me to find a bigger cliff and take a leap; make sure there was no way it wouldn't kill me.

I was too mad to even notice my eyes were stinging with tears.

I was halfway to the dojo when I realized I couldn't talk to Shishou about this. How would I explain to my own dad that I wanted to die? I could almost see the look on his face. Disappointment and sadness. I didn't want to make Shishou feel disappointed in me. I knew he'd be sad if I killed myself but then I wouldn't be a burden anymore.

I had turned around, lost in thought and almost ran right into Haru.

"What's wrong?"

I was shocked by how not-spacey Haru sounded. He usually had this weirdo dreamy quality to his voice like he was pretending to be mysterious or whatever. "Huh? Nothing…"

"Don't lie."

Oh shit. His voice wasn't spacey because he was _Black Haru_. But he didn't have that pissed-off aura thing going. It was that whole weird way he looked at Yuki right before he tried to make out with him or something equally as gross. Who does that shit in front of other people?

"You act like I'm _dumb_ or something. Tell me what's going on, pussy cat or I'll beat it out of you!" Haru laughed like a crazy person then and I just stared him down. "What are you looking at, pussy cat? You got something to say? Huh?"

"…no." I couldn't force the words out. I should have been throwing punches at him or threats or something.

Before I knew what was happening, Haru had me pinned to the wall. I almost started shouting then, out of shock anyway but he silenced me. _With his fucking mouth_. I pushed at him as hard as I could but I didn't have any leverage against a wall. Haru had me trapped and he was nibbling on my lips. Right then, it struck me how _weird_ it was to have Haru kissing me. It didn't feel a damn thing like it did with Yuki.

The thought of Yuki made all the pain I'd been trying to keep blocked and hidden just well up and over-flow. I guess crying snapped Haru out of being all "Black" because he suddenly released me, muttering apologies and hugging me. "…don' know what I'm doing when I'm like that. I can't see around myself. Everything goes red. I'm sorry, Kyo…."

"I-It's n-not th-at." I choked back sobs and actually hugged Haru back. Not because I wanted to, because I felt like I was about to fall down if I didn't hold onto something. "I-I just g-got overwhelmed again."

Haru tightened his grip on me and buried his face in my shoulder. He was a couple inches shorter than me now. We used to be about the same height. I guess I grew or something. "I'm glad I found you then. You didn't get very lost this time, I guess."

"You're one to talk. Your sense of direction sucks." I hadn't pushed him away even though I'd stopped crying and it was a little awkward to be being hugged by a guy so close to the main house. "…can we take a walk?" I didn't want anyone to see us. I didn't care what happened to me but the last thing I needed was for my stupid self to get Haru or anyone else in trouble.

Haru nodded against my shoulder and pulled away, rubbing his face on his sleeve. I couldn't really tell if he'd been crying or not. I guess he had because my shoulder felt kind of wet but he looked okay.

We walked in silence for a long time. The sun was getting ready to set and we were almost back to Shigure's before I realized that was where Haru had led me. "Aren't you going to ask me what happened?"

Haru looked up at me. "I figured if you wanted to talk, you would. I can't force words out of you. I saw no reason to try."

I wondered if that meant Haru was waiting for me to open up. "I just… started being stupid again and Hatori told me I had to tell someone if I started thinking shit like that and who the fuck thinks it feels good to punch a mirror anyway and why do I have to keep saying dumb things and telling people who are just trying to help me to fuck off? I'm an asshole, that's why. An asshole and a monster."

"That's why I didn't try to force it out of you." Haru looked off at the sunset for so long, I thought maybe that was all he had to say because he took a long time to talk again. "It's funny. How someone so amazing can think he's anything but." Haru looked at me and it was so weirdly intense that I had to look away. "Yuki's like that too. He doesn't think much of himself. But you both have good hearts and deserve to be happy."

"Monsters don't have good hearts. That's why I'm a _monster_. I don't even _have_ one."

"Then what is it in your chest that's broken?" Haru tapped the left side of my chest and left his fingers there, staring at them for a moment. "Sorry for kissing you." Haru looked up. "But I'm not sorry I wanted to." Before I could say anything, Haru had turned and was walking away.

That hadn't really helped all that much. I mean, I realized killing myself was a stupid idea. Haru would freak out and I'd make Shishou sad at least. I didn't want either of those things to happen. It wasn't like I returned Haru's weird feelings (it would probably be easier to like _him_ than that damn Yuki) but I didn't want to make him cry again. If he'd been crying.

But I still had all this pent up emotion inside. And it was just itching to get out. I walked into the bathroom and found it clean. I guess Tohru cleaned up after me. Again. But then I remembered she was spending the night at Wave Girl's house again and I was kinda glad. I didn't want her to be worried about me and my hissy fits.

Looking at the empty spot on the wall where the medicine cabinet had been reminded me about how it felt to shove my fist through it. All that broken glass cutting up my skin felt _good_. It kept all that horrible yuckiness inside at bay for a minute. I wondered why. Was it because it hurt? Was it the blood? I had to find out.

I rifled through the cabinet under the sink to see if I could find one of Shigure's razors. It wasn't like he shaved a whole lot. I think it took a month for him to grow more than stubble so there were several new ones in there. It was weirdly easy to pry the blade from the plastic and it felt cold in my hand.

I just wanted to see if all the cuts in my hand from breaking the mirror really made me feel better for a minute. It made sense, right? It was a different hurt and it distracted me. And it felt more real than that stupid dull ache I felt all the damn time. It wasn't overwhelming and I knew it would go away.

I pressed the shiny blade against the skin of my upper arm, just below the gauze. I could cover it up when I changed the bandage. That way no one would know about my little experiment. It probably wouldn't work anyway and I'd never to it again.

The first little cut wasn't very deep. I hardly felt it and it just scratched some of my skin away. I moved the blade up a bit, closer to my hand and pressed a little harder, watching a small bead of blood pool under the silver tip before I dragged it across my skin. It felt really good. Like some of the awful muck was oozing out with the blood that drained out of my arm. I didn't bother applying pressure to make it stop bleeding, I just watched the blood drip down to the sink and I turned the tap on to rinse it away. I don't know how long I stared at the cut before the bleeding slowed and stopped. When it finally clotted, I unwound the dirty gauze and tossed it in the trash by the sink. Then I took out a new roll from the basket on the back of the toilet and rebandaged my arm, making sure I covered the new cut I'd just made.

I guess it worked.


	11. Chapter 11

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Furuba. I wish I did!**_

_**Chapter 11**_

_**Kyo**_

It was supposed to just have been a stupid little experiment. It wasn't like I'd been expecting it to _work_ so well. But it did. Cutting up my skin made me feel better. It was just for a little bit but it helped make things bearable. At least this way, I didn't feel like dying every second of every day. It went on for weeks. It was Winter so nobody even questioned why I was wearing long sleeves. I knew it'd be a problem when Spring came and I had no way to cover the scars and shit. I knew enough to know the marks would scar. The oldest one already had. But it was the only thing that helped. I even managed to seem okay during the day as long as I knew I had that razor hidden in a book on my shelf for later that night. It was like a safety net.

I even managed to ignore Yuki for the most part. After I yelled at him on the roof, he hadn't even spoken to me. I was kind of glad but it also made me feel worse. It wasn't like I really wanted him to hate me, but I didn't want to drag him down either. In the past, I would NEVER have worried about Yuki. I would have probably thought it would be a good way to get under his skin and then pull the rug out from under him when he least expected it.

I wasn't expecting Haru to notice something was wrong. Everyone else was fooled but not him. I forgot because he acts like such a moron that he's really smart about people. So when he cornered me on the roof of Shigure's house, I had no idea it was about me acting weird.

"What's wrong?"

I jumped at the sound of his spacey voice. I didn't even know he was there and hadn't heard him climb up to the roof. I was kinda glad it was his spacey voice this time. I didn't want to deal with Black Haru when I was already worn out from a day of pretending to be okay. I shrugged one shoulder and continued to stare off at the sky. I listened to Haru's clothes shifting as he lay down beside me. "I thought it was a coincidence at first."

"What?" I stared at Haru. He always said stuff like that. It was like he was expecting me to understand what he was thinking without telling me all the info. It was annoying. But it was just how he was.

"That day when I walked home with you. That was when _it_ started. I thought it was a coincidence but you both seem to be getting worse at the same rate. A mystery."

"The only thing that's a mystery is what the damn you're talking about."

"What the hell," Haru corrected me. "Yuki. He looked sad the day we talked." Haru stared up at the sky again; the purple and red kind of reflecting in his eyes a little until I looked away. "He hasn't smiled since then. Neither have you. I wonder if it's a coincidence anymore."

"Yuki's… that damn rat is _fine_ he's not acting different!"

Haru leaned up on one elbow and stared down at me. "I know you're not stupid. So you just haven't been paying attention." That was all he said. Like he'd just unraveled the greatest mystery of the universe and stood up. "It's going to start snowing. You should go inside." I watched Haru's back until he'd climbed down the ladder and disappeared into the forest. That was when I got off the roof and returned to my room to find my razor.

All that anxiety from Haru's weirdness was getting to me. I was so caught up in wondering what the hell he was talking about, and that choking feeling of pain at having him mention Yuki (after all this time, it still made me feel bad to hear about Yuki being sad? What the hell?). I didn't even notice that I'd left the door partly open and I didn't hear the footsteps until my sleeve was rolled up and there were several new bloody gashes in my arm.

"…oh, Kyo." That voice made me want to plunge the razor in at the top of my wrist and open a vein. I turned around and looked into the eyes of the _last_ person I wanted to see me like this.

_**Yuki**_

I could hardly believe my eyes. Kyo was standing there, bleeding from his arm into the sink and staring at me like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi-truck. I could only look at him sadly, upset, wishing I'd known, wishing I knew what to say. "How long as this been going on?"

"Like you give a shit."

Kyo's response was lacking its regular venom. I realized then that I should have paid closer attention. He hadn't been busy the past few weeks; he'd been avoiding me.

"I absolutely do _give a shit_ or else I would not have asked." I walked closer to Kyo and pushed up his sleeve some more to look at multiple scabs, scars and cuts of different lengths and degrees of severity. "You may hate me but try as I might, I cannot return that hatred." I needed to get this out. I no longer cared about my pride at this point. If Kyo was stupid and weak enough to resort to _this_ then what did it matter if I confessed to him? No. It wasn't quite that. Perhaps I hoped that he would be heartened to know that something he did affected me in some way.

I was trying to make him feel better.

"Don't lie! You're just messing with me! You kissed me to screw with my head!"

That was the last reaction I expected. Kyo had shouted my own fears and insecurities back at me. "I seem to recall that _you_ were the one shouting at me to 'fuck off' when I attempted to speak to you. Were you not the one who said you hated me? Perhaps I am confusing your actions with my own then."

"I only did it 'cuz there's no way you'd care about a monster like me!"

"Do you honestly believe me to be such a horrible person?" I couldn't keep the hurt out of my voice. "Why would I do something like that? Why would you kiss me if you thought I didn't care?"

"No. I meant…." Kyo looked down at his arm. "That. I did that because it hurt so bad that I knew you'd never like me and that made it better. But… I just… I don't know what to do."

Kyo looked so close to collapsing that I stepped closer and steadied him with a hand at his elbow. "You don't have to try so hard on your own, Kyo. Try as I might, I cannot help but care about you. That is why I must tell Hatori about this."

"No!" Kyo looked panicked. "If you tell him, he'll take me to a nut house and lock me up! Or worse. He'll send me to Akito. He'll make me stay in that room already. I don't wanna go. Don't… please." Kyo was shaking so I pulled him into my arms to console him.

"This is getting out of hand. I cannot even trust you if you give me your word you won't do this again."

"I won't. I swear so _please_…"

I held Kyo tighter. "I wish I could believe you…"

"Please, Yuki. I'm begging. D-don't tell Hatori-"

"He doesn't have to." Kyo and I sprang apart and both gaped at Shigure who stood in the doorway looking stricken. "I already called him."

Kyo collapsed against the wall, sobbing his eyes out. It was the most heart-breaking thing I had ever seen but I didn't dare console him in front of Shigure. "I can over-look the fact that Yuki was keeping you from falling down. I assume that _is_ what happened, Yuki? Kyo was about to collapse and you caught him?"

"Absolutely," I was quick to agree. The last thing either me or Kyo needed was some sort of rumor being spread at the main house about us being friendlier than necessary. I shuddered to think of what Akito might do. "I didn't want him to get blood everywhere."

"I can leave the two of you alone for a moment while I let Hatori in?"

I nodded and Shigure headed out of the bathroom.

"I-"

"Don't." Kyo looked up at me and rubbed his eyes. He sniffled a few times. "It's not like that was really _your_ fault. I guess… I woulda been mad if you called Hatori, but there's nothing I can do now. Guess I'll have to let him lock me up. Not like I deserve any better."

"Kyo…" I looked over at him. "The way you spoke to me a moment ago reminded me of a time you begged me to let you die."

Kyo looked up at me, seeming shocked by my words. "Huh?"

"I won't let anything hurt you again. Not even yourself. I care about you too deeply. And I now realize you were trying to push me away in order to avoid hurting me." Kyo's lack of denial was all the confirmation I needed. His shocked look sealed it in my mind. Kyo pushed me away on purpose. "I won't let anything hurt you if I can help it." I reached over and squeezed his hand.

I had to let go of Kyo's hand really quickly because I heard Hatori's footsteps coming up the stairs and Shigure was explaining the situation to him. Kyo looked scared when Hatori walked into the room and I wanted to hold his hand again. "Kyo, you realize that you've broken your promise." Hatori reached into his doctor's bag and took out a roll of fresh gauze, some antiseptic and gauze pads to wipe Kyo's cuts clean. "I would really rather avoid institutionalizing you. There would be problems should you transform."

"Do what you want with me. I don't care."

I cut Kyo a shocked look.

"If I could be absolutely assured that you would not harm yourself, it would make my job a lot simpler. But the only way I can do that is if I have a way to make sure you are monitored at all times." Hatori looked over to Shigure. "It didn't work very well the last time, or this would not have happened, obviously."

"There's only so much I can do. I can't follow him to school or watch him sleep." It was odd to see Shigure so serious.

"He needs to be watched constantly." Hatori looked at me for a moment then back to Shigure. "It would be helpful if he shared a room with another person. Yuki would probably be the best choice."

I opened my mouth to agree but shut it rather quickly and tried to look upset by the idea. In truth, I was glad Hatori had suggested it. It saved me the trouble of having to find a way to keep Kyo from being locked away while at the same time acting like I didn't care.

"Of course, you would also have to keep an eye on him at school," Hatori continued. "He'd have to attend your student council meetings unless Shigure is free to pick him up after school and keep him company."

I glanced at Kyo. He wasn't looking at anyone, just staring blankly at his feet. I wanted desperately to try to comfort him somehow but I couldn't let anyone see me caring.

"It isn't as if Shigure is the most reliable adult." I sighed, trying to put on a show of seeming irritated by this rather than relieved. "If that is the only way to keep from stirring up drama at the main house and to avoid upsetting Honda-san, it seems I have no choice." I wanted to somehow will Kyo to understand that I _wanted_ to help him. I'd have to explain later. "That being said, I will only agree to this so long as you do not tell Akito. I wouldn't want him getting the wrong idea about this."

Hatori and Shigure both looked shocked at what I said. I wondered if I was laying it on a bit too thick. "I'll think of a few good lies to tell Tohru-kun," Shigure said. He gave both me and Kyo suspicious looks, although Kyo didn't lift his head to look back. "In the meanwhile, I suggest you move your things to Yuki's room, Kyo. I can't imagine that's the only razor you have."

Kyo just left the room without saying a word and headed to his own. I followed and watched as he gathered some clothing and his blanket and pillow along with his backpack and school books and he brought them wordlessly to my room. I was a bit irrationally ashamed that my bedroom was so untidy when Kyo dropped his blanket and pillow on the floor and walked to my closet to hang up his uniforms.

"I'll clear out a drawer for you." I walked over to my dresser and began shifting some of my clothes into different drawers so Kyo could put his boxers, socks and under-shirts into it. "You realize I did not mean-"

"I know," Kyo muttered. "Not like you can act like you give a shit about me in front of that damn Hatori and stupid mutt. I get it." Kyo dumped his backpack on the floor and let out a squawk of protest when I picked it up and began searching it.

"I have to be sure you didn't bring anything you can hurt yourself with." I confiscated his pencil sharpener and returned his backpack once I'd made certain he had nothing to hurt himself with. Then walked to my desk and gathered my scissors and my own pencil sharpener. I grabbed Kyo's uninjured wrist so he'd follow me to bring them to Shigure.

"You don't have to drag me around!" Kyo snapped. I assumed it was for Shigure's benefit considering how long it took him to wrench his arm from my grasp.

Shigure gave me a sad smile. "Thanks Yuki." He turned back to Hatori and they started talking in low tones. I gave Kyo a pointed look so he'd follow me back to my –our –bedroom.

"Where's Tohru?"

It struck me as odd that Kyo was only just now noticing Honda-san's absence. "She decided to spend the Winter break with her grandfather's family."

"It's break?"

I stared at Kyo. He was so shocked. I suppose I couldn't blame him for forgetting. "Yes. I'm not sure what Shigure is going to do about New Year. We probably should not attend. It would seem odd for me to constantly accompany you. Not to mention the banquet-"

"I'm going to tell Akito you both have an incredibly contagious flu." Hatori's voice made both of us jump. I was very glad I hadn't said much of anything too caring just then. "Yuki is quite right; the two of you simply cannot attend New Year considering present circumstances. He will be angry but unlikely enraged."

"Thank you, Hatori."

Kyo just sneered at the cursed dragon. "It's no trouble. Also, I want you to check Kyo for cuts every morning when you get up and every night before bed. The ones he has now should scab-over before morning and newer ones would be more obvious. He has six fairly new ones. Can you remember?"

"Yes." I glanced at Kyo.

"You have to check his _entire_ body and make sure there are no new ones. In fact, Kyo, I'd like you to strip down for me now so I can check the rest of your body for cuts."

Kyo glared at Hatori. "Why the fuck should I?"

Hatori just stared at Kyo until the cat began undressing. I tried not to stare, I tried to look indifferent as more and more of Kyo's skin became visible. It looked like he hadn't cut himself anywhere else. He'd stripped down to his briefs and turned so Hatori could inspect him. I noticed older scars. Several on his back that had faded to almost nothing and one on his stomach. I wondered about them briefly before Kyo walked over to the dresser and started pulling on his pajamas. It occurred to me then that I'd have to dress in front of Kyo and had to turn away to hide my blush.

"Does he have to watch me shower too?" Kyo snapped. "Does he have to be in the bathroom when I piss or whatever?"

I was expecting it but I was still stunned when Hatori said. "Yes. Not watch but stand in there and listen for any suspicious sounds."

I stared at Hatori. "Isn't that a little… severe? Maybe we should just take anything out of the bathroom that he can hurt himself with and let him have privacy. I don't want to be in there with him."

Hatori was silent for a moment; apparently thinking. "Fine. But you'll have to stand outside the door and leave it open a crack. I'll let you use your best judgment."

I sighed with relief. The thought of having to be in the same room with Kyo when he showered; when he was naked… that was too much.

"It's getting late; I'll be leaving now." Hatori looked down at his watch. "Remember what I said. If you cut yourself again, Kyo, I _will_ be forced to confine you."

Kyo nodded. "Jeez, like I even _could_ with that damn Yuki shadowing me all the time."

I knew he didn't mean it but the insult still cut me fairly deep.

"Feel better, Kyo." Hatori lingered downstairs for awhile before I heard him leave. I guess he was talking to Shigure for a moment. Possibly discussing Kyo.

"Guess we better drag a futon in here," Kyo grumbled, not at all looking thrilled with the situation.

That gave me an idea. A stupid one but an idea and once I thought of it, I didn't want to do anything else. "You should… sleep in my bed."

Kyo stared at me, wide-eyed. He didn't say anything for a long moment. "Wh-what?"

"You are aware how deeply I sleep. I am not sure I will wake in the middle of the night if you get up. I'll wake if you sleep next to me. In fact, you should sleep by the wall."

Kyo stared at me; I couldn't read his expression. Then he sighed and climbed into my bed, laying on the far side near the wall. He pulled the covers over himself as I turned off the light. Then I crawled in beside him, pulling the covers around myself. I had two pillows so we didn't need to share but I stayed fairly close to him anyway. I was startled by the feeling of Kyo's warm hand closing around mine. "Yuki I-"

"Good night, Kyo." I didn't want to hear what he was about to say because the tone of his voice nearly broke my heart.

_**Kyo**_

"Night, Yuki…" I sighed. Yuki's bed _smelled like him._ It was relaxing and… kind of a turn on. _What the hell is wrong with me? I just got caught cutting myself and Yuki's being forced to follow me around. He'll probably get sick of me fast. This is no time to get all horny over how his bed __**smells.**_

I sighed again and turned toward the wall, hoping it would keep me from being tempted to make out with him. Which was kind of a problem. His stupid scent was getting me all hot and bothered. If I was going to have to sleep in his bed for more than a few weeks, I was going to go nuts or end up jerking off every night. I just closed my eyes and tried to relaxbut that damn Yuki was asleep and he suddenly rolled over, one of his arms draping over my chest. I tensed up and bit my lip to stifle a moan. This was ridiculous.

_Crap, now he's all pressed up against my back!_ It felt really good to have Yuki spooning against me like that but it was also making me even _more_ turned on. I let out another whimper at the feeling of his hot breath on my neck. "F-fuck…" I whispered.

Okay, I was a fifteen year old boy. And a really hot guy (who I might have been almost just a tiny bit in _love_ with) was pressed up against me really tight. It wasn't all that surprising that I got a hardon over it.

Not that any of that made it less embarrassing.

I moved away from Yuki, pressed practically against the wall but when I shifted, he woke up. He hadn't been kidding.

"Kyo, are you alright?" he muttered way too damn close to me.

"F-fine…" I didn't want to turn around; might accidentally touch him and he'd feel my… situation.

"You sound upset…"

"I've never slept with anyone before-" _Fuck, that sounded bad._ "I mean-!" My face was beet red, like I had a sunburn or something. That sucked.

I felt Yuki shift up in the bed and I moved closer to the wall. "Kyo are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah…. Can't help how fucking sexy you are." Great. Now I was losing control of my words. This sucked.

"Are you… are you turned on?" There was an annoying smirk in Yuki's voice and that was the only reason I turned around. Which just made it _obvious_ that I was. Yuki bit his lip. I could tell even in the semi-dark that he was blushing too. Thanks to my better than average night vision. "D-do you want to… um… take a cold shower or… sh-should I help you take care of it?"

"Damnit…" It really wasn't alright how adorable and hot that sounded. "J-just… I-I don't want to go all the way yet." I blushed even harder and Yuki's blush grew. Probably in response to mine. Was that contagious? I didn't get the chance to think about it because Yuki kissed me and the problem in my pants just got worse.

It probably would have gone away on its own but leave it to Yuki to complicate things.

I moaned into his mouth and his hands were on me, trailing sort of haltingly over my hip and down toward the waistband of my pants. My breath hitched when his fingertips skimmed just under my pajama pants and then he pushed them down with one hand. His touch gave me shivers. I couldn't focus on kissing him because it felt so _good_. Then his hand touched my dick and I thought I was going to lose it. I started kissing him harder as he rubbed on me. "Y-Yuki… Sh-shouldn't you take my pants off?" I whispered. I didn't want to make a mess. Tohru washed my clothes and she'd think it was weird if I did it myself for no reason.

Yuki sat up and tugged on my sleeve so I'd do the same. Then he pulled my pants down over my hips and my brain sort of froze because he could _see_ me. I was all exposed and it was kind of scary. I wasn't expecting him to _stare_ at me for a minute. I sure as fuck wasn't expecting him to lean over and take my damn cock in his mouth.

I let out a shuddering moan. It was so much better than jerking off. My hands slipped through his silver hair. I tried not to pull on it but the temptation was pretty strong. His mouth vibrated around me and I realized he was moaning. Yuki was turned on by giving me a blow job? Holy shit! Yuki was giving me a blow job.

I felt my orgasm come on _way_ too fast and Yuki had to stroke me while he did some pretty damn fantastic things with his mouth. I wasn't sure if this was okay or not. I mean, we were both pretty young but all thoughts just vanished from my brain when I was about to cum. I tried to push Yuki off, pathetically trying not to cum in his _mouth_ but Yuki didn't stop. He just sucked harder and I groaned kinda loud as I came. "S-sorry!" I stammered.

Yuki just adjusted my pants around me and lay back down, swallowing. He was swallowing my _cum_. That was weird. "I wanted you to… do that." Yuki blushed and closed his eyes. Already drifting back off to sleep. I'd been kind of hoping to do that to _him_ too but now I was exhausted so I just laid back down, my head nestled against his chest and went to sleep.

_**In my defense, teenage boys are kind of horny bastards. PLEASE REVIEW.**_


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